Another Family Loss

We've had alot going on in the last weeks. We had a few appts last Friday (April 10th) at Children's (not St Louis, our "local" 4 hour away hosp). So, we decided we would take the weekend to spend with my family- who lives about an hour away.

Thursday night (our 5th anniversary) was hell. The entire drive was literally spent driving through hail and dodging tornados. We spent Friday night with my Grandma and Grandpa. Saturday we headed to Dad's. I got a call I missed from him on our way.Then a text from my big sis who said to come there b/c Dad & Liz had left. Long story short- my Uncle died. He was dx'd with lung cancer over spring break (about 2 weeks ago). He had begun chemo and radiation.

My Uncle left behind a young daughter, Dawn. My Dad & Liz have legal guardianship over her.

Dawn NEEDS your prayers. She seems to be ok, but my littlest sis said she's good at putting on a "show". D lost her mother in January (she was shot). And, now her father. D's life has been full of tragedy. Her mother used to do some pretty bad things, such as locking her in monkey cages. I just ask that you say some prayers for this sweet child.

We had to drive back on Sunday after church b/c Adam had to work- he's not getting paid for the time off, so it's been a challenge. I drove back down Wednesday morning, attended the funeral and drove home. Let me tell you that 8+ hours in a car and a funeral in 1 day is very difficult. I didn't get home until after 1:30am.

My Aunt Pam was at the funeral (she was the aunt that lost her spouse {Uncle Stevie} in Sept). She hugged my sisters and I am said, "It's just not fair you girls have had to lose 2 uncles like this in such a short time." And, she nearly lost it. Brings back memories. It's still not settled that Uncle Stevie is gone.

My Dad caught me in the kitchen alone that Saturday night after Clark passed. He said, "Aren't you glad you aren't here for my funeral?" I looked at my dad like WTH? Did you relly say that. Then he continued with "you all will not need to cry and grieve for me when I'm gone b/c I will be with the Lord. Very happy." I am still bothered by this.

I will update on Logen's appts last week and the rest of our lives. I have figured out how to update from my phone (using text, so my character limit is 160). I think I will add twitter.

Continue prayers for Logen as well. He's been throwing up his pediasure this week. Not good.

Questioning My Parenting

I often wonder if I am good enough to be Logen and Parker's momma. It's nice to get those compliments- the ones where people non-chalantly tell you you're a great mom.

Today, I felt kinda like I got a 'not-so-great' mom award. Adam's brother and his wife had their baby today (so we have a new neice, Welcome Madelyne Reece!). Some good friends kept the boys for a few hours so we could go to the hospital to see the baby (and not have to keep up with the monkies). There was a book sitting there, Grandma's something or other. So, I opened it up and saw a hand-writen message. Being the nosey person I am, I read it.

It was something to the effect of- (obviously, not exact words- but what I got out of it) Blah, blah... You are so lucky to have such wonderful parents that love you so much. You are one blessed little girl. Your parents will do everything they can for you.... We are so blessed to have you.

Ok, I wanted to cry. The person who wrote this has NEVER EVER told me I am a good Momma. Or even implied it. So, I asked Adam after we left. He said, (what man that didn't want to get a beat down wouldn't say this?!) yes, baby you are an awesome mother. Any mom who has a special needs child that does as much as you have done and do for Logen deserves an honor. You are an amazing woman and mother. But, he married me. So, he wouldn't have done that if he thought I was crappy, right?

Anyway--- I do a lot for Logen. And, Parker. They are my children. I do what mother's should do. I love them. I can't imagine a single day without them. I hate the system, it's all jacked up. But, we put up a fight, a damn good one at that. We will never let them win. They may get the best of me occassionaly- but once I learn the ropes- you better believe they'll be hearing from Jessica again. Doesn't all of that count for something? Doesn't the fact that we are constantly searching for new therapies and treatment options count for something? We look for things to better their lives, we would move mountains for our children. I would give my voice, or leg, or arm, or life so Logen could speak if thats what Logen needed me to do. We love our babies, we read them books, we play with them, we feed them, we hug them, we keep them safe, and clean, and dressed, and fairly happy (when they get what they want, when they want it, how they want it). Doesn't that amount to something?

What counts as being a good/great parent? What do I do to get there? I want to be there. I have to be at that parenting level. My children need me to be there.