No School Friday

Agggggg... the snow is messing with our schedule! Do you know what unexpected schedule changes do to my children? Seriously... 4 days of no school- Monday is going to be complete and utter caos for my little Logen man! And, for Momma! Not sure if therapy is canceled tomorrow or not, they haven't posted that. All of the schools are closed though. Should have figured that one out on my own. It's like 20 degrees outside and the ground is wet! Duh, Jess!!!! :P

Parker Faces ~They Make Me Laugh

I'm one of THOSE Moms

Ya know, the ones kids make fun of? The ones who lick their finger to get 'stuff' off of our kids faces. And, yes I chase Logen around the house trying to get a icky green boogie out of his nose. I just did it and when I came back to the computer to turn it off for a while, I laughed and said (ya, I have voices in my head to) I have to blog this. I know there's more people out there like me- they just won't admit to it! I have turned into my Mother, and Grandmother. Oh, man! :)

3 Years, Today

On January 31, 2005 Logen was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. I don't think I have ever cried that much in my life, ever. It's been 3 years and I still have those days when I want to crawl in a hole and scream. There are some AMAZING women in my life that have helped me deal with those days. They've helped me more than words can say. THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU ALL, dearly. And, so much more than I tell you. I wouldn't have made it this far, with most of my sanity intact without you. You all know exactly who you are. Thank you my sweet, wonderful, caring, beautiful friends. Thank you.

3 years ago we had an MRI scheduled at 8am. We stayed the night at my Aunt Lori's b/c she lives only a few minutes from Arkansas Children's Hospital. We woke up, got ready, and went to the hospital. We'd been to radiology before. Logen had had a swallow study the month before- that's when we first found out he was aspirating on thin liquids. We were called back and given all of the details that entailed having an MRI w/sedation. Logen was given chloral hydrate through the rectum. He was put into the MRI machine. He looked so peaceful. So beautiful. And, I was scared to death. We stood infront of the machine watching the scan countdown. About half way through it, he started moving. I freaked. I was yelling. Nobody was coming in to save Logen. I remember not being able to turn the door knob to get out of the room. Finally, (it seemed like forever) a lady came in. They were going to call the Dr to see if it would be ok to give Logen some more CH to finish the scan. It was, and we strapped him back down and slid him back into the machine. Once it was over, I held him in my arms. I nursed him (b/c we didn't have any thickener, and I knew he wouldn't take anything but Momma's milk anyway). Were given the "ok" to leave. In a few hours we had an appt with the Neuro up stairs. We went to lunch at a mexican resturant. We went back to the hospital and followed the signs to Neurology. We were taken into a room and a very sweet nurse brought Logen a blue bird, TY beanie baby. (We still have that, for memories I guess) The Neuro came in and we talked. There was no mention of CP. When she stood to leave she asked if we had any other questions. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "Does he have CP?" Her EXACT words (I will never forget them) were "You could say that?" I said, "Do we have a dx" "Yes, you could say that." She walked out. I sat there feeling like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. I couldn't cry at that moment. We walked down to the car and headed on our 4 hour journey home. That was the LONGEST car ride of my life.

My Mom was calling, I think my phone rang like crazy with people calling to see how it went. The only person I remember talking to was my Mom. I think she just listened to me cry actually. Adam was driving, and he just kept saying "it's going to be fine. Logen is still Logen and we love him the same." Yes, I know that. I will NEVER love Logen any less b/c of what he can or can't do, because of what he 'has' or doesn't. My love for Logen only grows. The emptiness in my heart has healed, slightly. But, it will always ache for Logen. Not for me. It's not about me. It's hard for ME, yes- but, imagine what Logen goes through. He can't express what he feels.

Through the last 3 years Logen has learned to crawl, walk, jump, nearly run, sign, he's moved from honey to nectar thick- and almost off all thickners, his drooling has stopped and come back again, he's attempting to potty train, he's going to preschool, he was given a little brother (that drives him crazy, but loves him like mad to!), gotten a communication device, moved from ankle support AFO's to just polly wogs, sleeps in his own room, in his own bed- alone!, has the biggest smile that can melt your heart in 0 seconds, and loves everybody he comes in contact with. He's done so more than than I can list in 3 years-

Logen- Mommy loves you. Everything you do is amazing, you are one true miracle. Every time you smile, you melt my heart. You are a blessing in life, you are my life. Without you, I'd be lost. You have taught your Mommy so much in the last 4 years. You've taught me what 'real' love is. And, how to be truely thankful. You will always be my baby, even when you're 50- so just expect that. I'll still be calling you 'my baby', forever. I love you- to the moon, around the world, and all the way back. Thank you for making me smile.

I Am The Child...

I am the child who cannot talk. You often pity me, I see it in your eyes. You wonder how much I am aware of -- I see that as well. I am aware of much -- whether you are happy or sad or fearful, patient or impatient, full of love and desire, or if you are just doing your duty by me. I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater, for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.

You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times. I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated. I do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well-being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world about me. I do not give you rewards as defined by the world's standards -- great strides in development that you can credit yourself; I do not give you understanding as you know it.
What I give you is so much more valuable -- I give you instead opportunities. Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine; the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities; the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible. I drive you further than you would ever go on your own, working harder, seeking answers to your many questions with no answers. I am the child who cannot talk.

I am the child who cannot walk. The world seems to pass me by. You see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair, to run and play like other children. There is much you take for granted. I want the toys on the shelf, I need to go to the bathroom, oh I've dropped my fork again. I am dependant on you in these ways. My gift to you is to make you more aware of your great fortune, your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself. Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them. I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright, to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent. I give you awareness. I am the child who cannot walk.

I am the child who is mentally impaired. I don't learn easily, if you judge me by the world's measuring stick, what I do know is infinite joy in simple things. I am not burdened as you are with the strifes and conflicts of a more complicated life. My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child, to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love. I give you the gift of simplicity. I am the child who is mentally impaired.

I am the disabled child. I am your teacher. If you allow me, I will teach you what is really important in life. I will give you and teach you unconditional love. I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you. I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted. I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams. I teach you giving. Most of all I teach you hope and faith. I am the disabled child.

* I read this as if Logen were speaking to me. He is the child that cannot talk. Yet, maybe he does. And, maybe some day he will.

Don't

"DON’T...."
Don’t look at me with pity.
Don’t look with disgust.
Don’t think I am contagious.
Don’t look at my parents like they are to blame.
Don’t think my mom drank or took drugs.
Don’t think my dad hit her while I was in her tummy.
Don’t complain because your feet hurt from being on them all day...
I may never know that hurt.
Don’t moan because you are tired of walking all over your office.....
I may never get that chance.
Don’t get tired of talking on the phone
I may never get to speak.
Don’t get mad when your child is getting into everything when they start walking.....
My parents will cry for joy.
Don’t shush your child when they are talking too much.....
My mother will cry tears of happiness for that.
Don’t scold your child for kissing you too much when you are busy.....
My dad will hug me tight for that.
My parents will believe all of this is a true miracle.
I am not dead.
I am not dumb.
I am not nothing.
I feel.
I hurt.
I THINK.
I LOVE.
I am in this body!
I have rights!
Don’t pass me by & hang your head in sorrow....
Talk to me.
Touch me.
Love me.
But please.......Don’t

* I found this poem this morning, a disABLED teen wrote it. My heart was cring, yet smiling as I thought about Logen telling people this someday. I think the young lady 'hit the nail on the head' with this one. I say, WTG girl!!!! (Her name is Jessica too)

Snow Day!

This morning I walked outside and saw this! Schools are closed and therapy has been canceled. I took this at 8:30 this morning. We are suppose to get more snow this afternoon. I will take a few more pictures throughout the day and post them. Honestly, I think God sent the snow for my benefit. I needed a day where we have NOTHING to do. I am sitting at home with my beautiful baby boys and playing. No stress today (hahahaha), except for the fact that my hubby works for Fed-Ex and they are out in the middle of it kinda freaks me out! I just talked to him and he said the roads are pretty slippery and people are driving like idiots. Go figure, people in our area drive like that regardless of weather conditions. :)

My day in the ER

And, I *thought* Monday was a busy day. Boy, was I wrong. Last night when I was nursing Parker, I started having chest pain. It felt like a huge elephant was sitting on my chest. It was followed by a feeling of floating on a raft in the ocean & dizziness. This morning I got up and took Logen to school and had a nabbing stabbing pain in my chest. I also felt dizzy, shaky, and felt like I couldn't catch my breath. So, I called my Dr & she advised me to go to the ER. I called my mom (she's an RN) and she said the same thing. We have family history of heart problems. There's been 7 deaths heart related in the last 3 years- nobody my age though.

We got to the ER and my heart rate was going between 120 and 140, my BP was a bit elevated, & my O2 levels were low. I was taken to a trauma room quickly. I was having a difficult time walking back to the room. My legs kept feeling like they were going to collapse. It was scary thinking I was having a hard time walking. They immediately did an EKG, put me on oxygen, and put in an IV. They also drew blood for labs. They were testing for cardiac enzyme elevation. That test takes an hour and a half, so I knew I'd be there atleast that long.

The EKG came back perfect. My heart rate went down to normal once I layed down, they had also given me some medicine through the IV. We got my labs back and they were WNL. I have Costochondritis; imflammation around the heart/ribs on the left side. It was brought on by severe stress. (Hmm, me stressed?! Thats a new one...) I was discharged and told to take 600mg Motrin 3x/day for the next 10 days. Once I wean Parker completely I can start on an anxiety medication thats 'higher powered' and that should keep my heart from racing like it does. And, of course, I should try not to stress out so much.

So, now- How do I not stress out?!! Now that I think about ways to 'de-stress', I'm stressing about that. Let's just keep adding things to my "to-do" list. It's not long enough.

Pray For Local Fire Fighters

Ft Chaffee is on fire right now and the wind speeds are very high, causing the fire to spread quickly. Will you say a prayer that the fire is put out quickly and our firemen are safe? I have a family member there now.

My Baby Has FRIENDS!!!!

My heart smiled HUGE this morning blog family! HUGE! This morning, when we walked into preschool there was a lady (I cannot remember her name) who said, Good morning Logen! When we started down the hall she came out from behind the desk and said, "I HAD to give my little Logen a hug!" She gave him a big hug and kissed his cheek. He had a big 'ole grin on his face! She said, "Have a good day Logen!" It was too cute :) I've seen her in his class before. She was in there one day last week when I dropped him off. She was sitting on the floor and when Logen saw her, he walked right over to her and sat on her lap. She gave him 'suga's' then to. This young lady likes my baby and he, obviously, likes her too!

He has another friend his age too. His name is Jermaine. J helps Logen a little too much sometimes and his teachers have to remind him that Logen can do things on his own. I walked into his class one day, and Logen completely ignored that I was there. J grabbed his hand and pulled him over to me and said, "Logen- your mommy is here and I think it's time for you to go home now." I had to laugh. I think Logen is doing very well in school. And, his teachers seem to really, genuinely care! The whole feeding aspect is still bothering me, but I think it will be worked out soon.

Hugs blog family! Have a wonderful day!!!