Splendid Mayhem: Biting

Welcome To Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Double Standards

Here are some examples:

Milestone- Logen learned how to unbuckled himself in his booster seat yesterday. I know this when my hair is being pulled. I freak out thinking, "Crap, Did I really forgot to buckle him in?" I pull over, and buckle him in. A few minutes later, he's tugging on my hair again. I'm thinking, "Wait a minute. Logen, are you seriously unbuckling yourself? YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! Way to go big man! I am so proud of you."

Realization: Had Parker been tugging on my hair; he wouldn't have gotten a "yay, I'm proud of you" He'd have been in trouble and a speech about how "We don't climb out of our car seats in a moving vehicles, blah, blah, blah"

So, what do you do in these cases? Is it fair to praise one child for something and punish the other b/c they 'know better'? Do we praise when Parker is not around? This (and there have been and will be many more times when similiar things will occur) is HUGE for Logen. He was able to isolate his pointer finger, turn his head to look down, and PUSH hard enough to get the seat belt unbuckled! Holy Cow. Thats amazing!!!!!!! Dangerous, yes. But he's only doing it (atleast today!) when we get into parking spots. And, you can bet he's the first to be unbuckled!

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Logen bit Parker last night. Parker cried b/c it hurt- Logen nearly drew blood. He bites hard. Since Tabasco round 1 Parker has not bitten. He's been warned and he cries histerically 'no sauce'. So, Parker says-- 'Bubba bite. Hot Sauce'. Adam and I were like, "oh. hmmm." You see, Logen doesn't quite feel (nor taste) like you and I. We both knew it wouldn't bother him. But, again, do you do it to one child and not the other? I felt comfort in the fact that it wouldn't burn Logen's tongue (just in case he doesn't really know what's up). I put a tiny, tiny amount in a dropper and put in on his tongue so Parker could see me. Logen didn't cry. He didn't flinch. Adam & I knew that this was most likely the response we would get, but Parker was staring at him with this look like, 'wait a minute. Is that the same bottle of sauce you put on my tongue b/c it hurt and I cried?!?!'

I just don't know on that one. I think it was a good example to set for Parker. If you bite, you will get nasty stuff on your tongue (that doesn't upset your brother).

Being a parent is no simple task. We face challenges every day, in every way. And, like all (good, loving) parents- we do what we know to work through them. But, sometimes I'm asking you--we doubt ourselves. So, I'd like to know what would you do?