Answers You May Noy Want To Know

We got the hosp yesterday at 930am. The nurse wasn't the best.(wouldn't recommened if) Nice & caring, bit also great at giving meds to make me not hurt so bad. Dr The Dr and anesthesia came in along with keeping my sanity. Believe me when I say this- IT HURT'S SO BAD!!!! If you want your boobies done, feel free to email me or call me with quesions. I can't get out of bed on my own, go to the bathroom alone. I even painted my tooties :) I go back in on May 9th for a follow up. I will post pics here & a few on my private blog. Again, please day a prayer for me to recover and that Adam and Mom will be in great shape!

Does anybody have any yummy easy recipes near ya, might help. Passing out sitting here- do you have anything? Thanks for the kind words, love, and hugs. It's appreciated like no other!!!!
* The news is on, this is one main story~ (and they are ircking me) Let kids believe in Santa!

I cant read what I'm typing, btter sign out!

Casting Crowns

Many of you, especially close friends, family, and private blog readers know what a hard time I've had in the last week. I've struggled with everything. Life, kids, weight, Cerebral Palsy, Logen's therapy, pretty much everything. I was driving to meet my Mom for lunch Friday and put in one of my favorite cd's- Casting Crowns, Lifesong. I have a few fav's on the cd, but decided to let it play through today. I found a song that seemed to fit life lately. I played it over and over and over. I knew the words before today & I've always just sang along, but I guess I never really listened to the message. Listen to the video. Make sure to pause the music at the very bottom of the blog.

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small?

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's ok
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I'll play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles that hide our pain
But if the invitations open
To every heart that's been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands to raise?
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage?

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If i dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I sat in the parking lot at my pre-op (thankfully, I arrived early) wanting to cry. My relationship with God is certainly not a perfect one. I'm constantly asking for his forgiveness. And, I don't usually blog about my faith in our Lord. But something hit me when really listening to the lyrics. It was like, "Oh- I REALLY do need Jesus in my life. I need him now more than ever." The book thing from Friday night freaked me out a little. Then, I started thinking back to this. Jesus is trying to tell me something. And, I firmly believe that. He's letting me know, "It's going to be ok. We will make it through this. Like we have so much in the past. Take my hand and walk with me. You can do it. I am the only perfect one. Let me guide you Jessica." I thank the Lord for Casting Crowns. Maybe it's going to take a song to make really see. I have alot to live for. And, I'm not doing it alone. I am never alone, b/c the Lord lives in my heart- forever. Thank you Jesus, for sending Earthly angels to watch over me. I have several of them. Melissa, Melinda, Kiera, Dawn, Suze, Tara, Andrea, Karen, Chrystie, Sheila, Steph- just to name a few that have helped me make it through the last week (I don't like naming people, I am always afraid I will leave somebody out!). And, these are just the ones who keep me going through email and text messaging! (B/c they live all over, I've never met them)

Irony

I ran into WalMart Friday night to grab a few things, mainly stuff to make sure the boys are well fed in the coming week. I stopped by the book isle to pick up a few books to *hopefully* read this week, since I won't be doing much else. I read a book by Elizabeth Flock earlier this year and thought she was a pretty good author. She had 1 other one at Walmart, so I grabbed it. I started reading it yesterday. The name, "But Inside I'm Screaming". Many of you know what's happened in my life in the last week. Well, I'm at a point in this book where she is going through something SOOO, SOOO, SOOO similiar to what I did last weekend. I sat there staring at a certain paragraph and was just thinking, "wow". Is it a good thing for me to continue reading this book or not? I think that maybe God placed this book in my hands for a reason? Does that sound silly? Why else would I grab a book like this one out of the blue. I didn't even read the back of it before I bought it. I started reading it and had no idea what it was about. I just thought it was ironic.

I

i am: trying to catch up on my blogging friends before I am out for a week
i think: about Logen's future. Today, I think about recovery and tomorrow
i know: that my husband is the most supportive, wonderful, caring man ever
i want: Logen to speak 'real' words
i have: 2 awesome, spoiled rotten children, refer to "I know" about my hubby
i wish: that my children would never know pain, but know the Lord intimately
i hate: putting away laundry
i miss: my Meme, my sisters, my daddy, Liz, all of my family I don't get to see often
i fear: recovery, the future- Logen's future to be exact
i feel: NERVOUS, anxious, scared, excited, sick to my tummy
i hear: the Christian radio station playing and the boys squeling
i smell: outside- the backdoors are open and the boys are running in and out playing
i crave: sweets, really chocolate- wishing I could keep food down- nerves!!!
i search: for ways to help Logen's life be the best it can be
i wonder: if Logen will ever stop aspirating, if he will ever talk
i regret: alot, the way I have scared my Mom & Adam lately
i love: my boys more than anything
i ache: for Logen
i care: about what others think of me
i always: think I'm not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough
i am not: perfect, and thats something I working really hard to accept
i believe: that the Lord will help me get through this rough patch and tomorrow
i dance: through the house with my boys and practice turns I once did on dance team
i sing: when music is on, hoping nobody can hear- except my kids- they like it
i don’t always: have a spotless house, dinner done on time
i fight: with myself more than anyone
i write: things on my blog the rest of the world probably doesn't care to know :P
i win: the love of my babies and hubby everyday
i lose: my sanity daily, and when Adam walks in the door, I usually feel better
i never: eat fried potatoes. yuck-o-la
i confuse: lots of people, sometimes the things I say make no sense even to me
i listen: to my boys fight, yell, jabber, laugh everyday
i can usually be found: in my house, in my van, at L's therapy clinic, or WalMart
i am scared: of loosing the ones I love most
i need: my family, my friends, and you
i am happy about: tomorrow, going to Florida in August, possibly Minn in the fall

I would love for you to copy & paste your answers on your blog too! I stole this from Andrea M

A Monkey In 'Da Hooouusseee

As I type, my computer is on the kitchen table- what I see at this very moment. My smallest child (aka MONKEY) sitting behind the laptop ON THE TABLE. When we are not in the kicthen, the chairs go up on the table or in the garage. He's a climber. You have to watch him. I have found him hiding in various places such as; the bathroom cabinets, drawers, in the dryer, on the kitchen counter top, in the bathtub, beds, the couch, dining room table, coffee table, side tables, I could go on- The point is- this monkey keeps me on my toes!


* Logen walked in and saw this post. He was jumping (as best as he can) and signing "monkey" making some funky noises, that could be passed off as a monkey! He's a cute kid!

"Talker" Funny

Logen has been so silly with his talker this weekend. He is really impressing me with his skills! Last night he was *suppose* to be going to bed. The 2nd time he got out of bed, Adam went and got his talker and told him he needed to tell us what he kept getting up for.
This is what was said:
L: Milk
A: go get your cup
L: goes to get his cup and brings it back, hands it to dad
Me: Logen, you have a half cup of milk.
L: milk not enough
Me: laughter
L: boring milk

I am LOVING that he is able to communicate. I can't imagine how silly my little man would be if he could actually speak real words. His 'talker' words are funny. I think he's got a great sense of humor!

Totally Freaking!

So, today- I've pretty much polished off a bottle of yummy (icky) pepto. I mowed the front yard and it took me about 3x as long as it usually does b/c I kept having to make bathroom trips. I also did about 5 loads of laundry (wash, dry, put away), scrub the master bath (I mean really scrub- I took the shower doors off and washed them with the water hose and clorox {ok, Adam took them off}), re-arranged our bedroom, and cleaned it, changed everybodies sheets, cleaned the living room floors with ammonia, re-arrranged my kitchen counter tops and cleaned them. Can you tell I am trying very very hard to keep myself busy? In between bathroom runs, of course.

Anybody else want a text after (on the way to the hosp for sure!) surg Monday? I'm on central time. Surg is *suppose* to start at noon. No clue when discharge will be. I will most likely create a mass text before hand that says, "I made it through" and save it in my pending box then have my Momma (Adam is text illiterate) hit send when I am out of the OR. Email me if ya do~ jklduncan@yahoo.com

Dinner With Us

 

Alfalfa-nator Parker

 

Smart Cookie!

I have to brag on Logen! I am currently in the kitchen cooking dinner with my laptop open on the counter. I am going back and forth between playing on it and cooking. Logen walked into the kicthen and started hitting me. I looked at him and said, "What do you want?" kind of annoyed. He did a sign that I do not know. So, I said ok- lets get your talker out. His talker was on the "greetings" page. (Background info from today- I brought a few slices of pizza left from lunch with Parker, me, and my mom home and Logen noticed it {while in the pizza box, he did not open the box} in the van- he carried it to the fridge this afternoon)
Our conversation went like this.
L: hits "pages", "fast food", "pizza", "pepporoni", "thats all I want". He looks up at me like ok, Mom- get it. I wasn't sure whether to cry or jump for joy. Do you know how many hits that was?! 5!!!! Logen did a 5 hit sequence- without being prompted! I tried to call his SLP, she didn't answer- so I called Adam. He was super excited. I have tears in my eyes. Do you know how amazing this is? It's like the first 'real' talk I have ever had with my son. He had alot to say to his mommy!