Splendid Mayhem: Sad

Welcome To Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Sad

Most of the time, we are in our little "Logen world". Logen hits milestones and does things on "Logen time". It isn't until we step out into the "real world" that I realize how much my heart aches for him. Last night, my mom & I were walking down the side walk. Logen was riding his tricycle (he cannot use the pedals, just pushes with his feet) in front of us. There were 4 kids outside playing- Logen is such a people watcher- he stopped to "gawk" at them. 3 were playing basketball and one was riding his bike in circles around us. The 'bike boy' was just a little older than Logen. I looked at the 2 on their bikes and wanted to cry right then & there. The little boy was talking to Logen and all Logen could do was babble back. It hurts... Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why would God put children through this? Does Logen realize how different he really is? The little boy said, Logen, your mom is calling you. (We couldn't get LOgen to come back towards the house with us!) I kept waiting for the boy to ask why Logen didn't talk to him or why Logen was drooling, etc. I am not prepared to answer those types of questions from children. Adults, ok- but not his peers.

Sometimes, I just want to stay inside & avoid the real world forever. I want Logen to be ok. To ride bikes & play ball.

Life really isn't fair. Especially for the children who are "different".

7 comments:

ellen :)August 3, 2007 at 3:20 PM
Jess,
I totally get ya! Isn't it hard to imagine explaining to the little ones?? I have to explain to Luke's friends, and they have been good, but they are also older...keep your chin up! Little Logen is doing awesome!! Look at all that he CAN do! :) And I LOVE all of the pics on here! :)
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LisaAugust 3, 2007 at 6:38 PM
I'm so sorry. I'm dreading these things. I wish my son could stay little forever...
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Andrea "The H family"August 3, 2007 at 9:18 PM
Sorry honey. I too find myself aching for my Luke. I see it everyday when I step outside my door. In fact, I said to my husband one day...'maybe we should move to the country'. True story.

Hugs sweetie....you are not alone.
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The MitchellsAugust 4, 2007 at 12:59 PM
I love you and your honesty. Thank you for saying what we are all thinking all of the time. It's hard when our children are on their own timeline...and we just want ANYTHING on a "normal" timeline. Hearbreaking...and all of our hearts break with you.
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AnonymousAugust 4, 2007 at 5:38 PM
Oh,Jess.....another opportunity for a mention of "CP Village".....you know, the place where we can all go live & not feel "different". I know how you feel, sweetie....not that it helps much but just know you're not alone!! On a positive note, I think our kiddos are some of the HAPPIEST & CUTEST that I have ever seen!! Logen's smile could melt anyone's heart!!!
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Andrea "The H family"August 4, 2007 at 9:07 PM
On an upside note..I tagged you!
check my blog!
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AnonymousAugust 7, 2007 at 2:10 PM
What are you trying to make me cry? lol. I have been in your boat many times but I have had to answer kids questions. Why does he have those things on his legs? Why can't he walk? What's wrong with his legs? I haven't minded yet because I rather the kids ask then assume something else. It is just one of those things we have to accept and get used to. I am still not used to all the staring when Brendan uses his walker. I avoid all eye contact. I hate it!!!
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