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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

If you really knew me... you'd know this.

Things are much better in 'that' area- I found this, did some revising so that it pertained to me and am sharing with you.

1) I desperately want to be accepted, not only by you but by me, too.
2) I am afraid of not winning this battle, I think I've already lost it.
3) I haven't figured out who I am
4) I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving, mainly myself
5) I'd like to become comfortable with the idea that I am ordinary and that there's nothing wrong with that
6) Sometimes I just want people to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is somebody to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
7) Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
8) I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel {While I do not currently binge & purge- I'm leaving this one, bc I can relate, I was there not to long ago)
9) I am terrified of not being a good enough mother
10) At the start of the next day, before I even brush my teeth, I ask God to help me stop myself from this (the same applies here- I can remember mornings before I would even climb out of bed, pleading with God)
11) There are so many things I wish I could say
12) Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to (Ie: when I am told I am skinny or pretty, I feel like people just say it to be nice)
13) I am so incredibly mean to myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
14) What I want right now more than anything is love from myself. If I had more self love then the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all cease
15) I sometimes need your help, but I'm not sure how to tell you this
16) I'm head-over-heels in love with my boys and my husband
17) I don't think I will ever fully recover from this
18) I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking it (again, I am practicing old habits, just thoughts)
19) I want to make a difference in the world ~ I would love to beable to help young girls with the issues I've had.
20)I believe that everyone's flaws should be accepted and forgiven except for mine
21)I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head.
22)I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
23) Somedays, I feel there's an empty hole in me
24) No one could be-little me more than I do myself
25) It takes alot to trust anyone
26) The ED was the only constant in my life, the only thing which felt unchanging regardless of what external events happened. The ED was the only guarantee, the only certainty, the only thing loyal to me throughout everything that came my way
27) Don't give up on me
28) "Me" in the mirror always looks fat and ugly- I want to have a normal day. I want to wake up and feel pretty. I want to look in the mirror and see what everybody else sees b/c I have no idea what that is- and I hate that.
29) No matter how many times my husband tells me I'm beautiful, It never sinks in that he may actually think that.

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2 comments:

  1. #6 Jess - I'm listening. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can sympathize and empathize with many of your points. I wish there was something I could say but like you mentioned in your post, sometimes you just want someone to listen (or read!) - so, I'm listening too.

    ReplyDelete

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