Splendid Mayhem: "Girly" Issues

Welcome To Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

"Girly" Issues

Here's one of those things half of you really don't care to know, but I'm going to post anyway... lol
I've posted on this issue before, here's a mini update- Last I posted my cervix was opened at like 2cm, I checked it last night at it was opened to 3cm. It must have done that in the last week. (I seriously check this nearly everyday, I'm a spaz!) I should have gone in for my yearly in May, I just keep forgetting to make the appt. So, I will call today to schedule it. Dr H told me at my checkup in January that if it keeps opening, that pretty much means I cannot carry another baby to term and possibly not even hold a pregnancy. So, today I just feel like a big 'ole failure. A woman's body is designed to carry children. And, even if I had decided I didn't want another one, I WANT to decided that NOT my body make the decision for me. Thats not right. I know, I need to look at the bright side, God gave me 2 beautiful, healthy little boys-- I still can't help but feel like crap. Blah. Maybe thats how I feel, just "blah".