I often wonder if I am good enough to be Logen and Parker's momma. It's nice to get those compliments- the ones where people non-chalantly tell you you're a great mom.
Today, I felt kinda like I got a 'not-so-great' mom award. Adam's brother and his wife had their baby today (so we have a new neice, Welcome Madelyne Reece!). Some good friends kept the boys for a few hours so we could go to the hospital to see the baby (and not have to keep up with the monkies). There was a book sitting there, Grandma's something or other. So, I opened it up and saw a hand-writen message. Being the nosey person I am, I read it.
It was something to the effect of- (obviously, not exact words- but what I got out of it) Blah, blah... You are so lucky to have such wonderful parents that love you so much. You are one blessed little girl. Your parents will do everything they can for you.... We are so blessed to have you.
Ok, I wanted to cry. The person who wrote this has NEVER EVER told me I am a good Momma. Or even implied it. So, I asked Adam after we left. He said, (what man that didn't want to get a beat down wouldn't say this?!) yes, baby you are an awesome mother. Any mom who has a special needs child that does as much as you have done and do for Logen deserves an honor. You are an amazing woman and mother. But, he married me. So, he wouldn't have done that if he thought I was crappy, right?
Anyway--- I do a lot for Logen. And, Parker. They are my children. I do what mother's should do. I love them. I can't imagine a single day without them. I hate the system, it's all jacked up. But, we put up a fight, a damn good one at that. We will never let them win. They may get the best of me occassionaly- but once I learn the ropes- you better believe they'll be hearing from Jessica again. Doesn't all of that count for something? Doesn't the fact that we are constantly searching for new therapies and treatment options count for something? We look for things to better their lives, we would move mountains for our children. I would give my voice, or leg, or arm, or life so Logen could speak if thats what Logen needed me to do. We love our babies, we read them books, we play with them, we feed them, we hug them, we keep them safe, and clean, and dressed, and fairly happy (when they get what they want, when they want it, how they want it). Doesn't that amount to something?
What counts as being a good/great parent? What do I do to get there? I want to be there. I have to be at that parenting level. My children need me to be there.
4 months ago
Jess - you are a wonderful mom. Just think of all of the things that you have done for Logan. In addition, think of the amazing work you did for moms who have followed in your footsteps with the CP diagnosis. I would have been lost without the BBC board when Reichen was first diagnosed. It helped me through some very rough patches.
ReplyDeleteFamily dynamics (I am assuming family in your story) are always interesting and very complex. Try not to let them get you down.
There are going to be people who question you going back to school. Trust me, I get that from people who question how I can work full time and go to school and still spend time with Reichen. These people often will not look past the initial view to see that I do my homework after he goes to bed, that I do not do any other social activities while school is in session, that I focused my final 2 classes around stroke awareness, promotion and improving care to childhood stroke victims so that they can be better off in the future.
You are doing the same thing with your schooling. You are going for a program that is going to help you to become a better advocate for Logan (you are already an amazing advocate so maybe I should re-word that to be a more diversely knowledgeable advocate, does that work?). You are reaching out to find different answers for him and it is a benefit to him.
As I get older (and remember we established this week that I am old - LOL) I have started to see that the problem is not with me. I am not a poor mom in the choices I make because I am thinking of my son. The problem is with those who chose not to look at the world through others lenses.
Those are the people I feel sorry for because they are not going to meet the amazing people that we have met and will not form some of the bonds that we have. They will not understand what it is like to need to go outside of the "normal" system in order to provide your child the most opportunities.
You are amazing and we all know it. Do not let this get you down. Adam was right (and I do not believe it was just because he was avoiding a beat down :)
Feel free to write, e-mail, text or call anytime!
I often think about this. Not for the same reasons, but I think about it none the less all the time. Joseph is a BUSY kid who can talk now. We are out in public and he has no problem expressing himself. "I want to play on the computer mom!" While we are at the library, the kid has never played on the computer before, so I say "OH no Joseph lets check out some books!" OH he gives me the face and cries etc. Does this make me a bad mom as I am sweeping the kid out the library doors once again while he is screaming?!?! I feel like I have to be a better mom because I have five kids. I don't want people to think I kept popping them out but can't handle them. Does that make sense? I also think I have to have them dressed nicely for the same reason. I am sure people don't always think I make the best choices either, but they are my kid and my choices. I told you this before I think, but my mom worked all the time when I was growing up.....she had too. But my mom is my best friend, she was always there for me. As a kid that is all you remember. Logan and Parker are lucky to have you. You are a fun mom, and you are trying to make a better life for your family. You have done so much for your kids and your family. Remember your kids your choices. You are a great mom girl!!!
ReplyDeleteOf course you are a great Mom! But yeah, it is always nice to hear that.
ReplyDeleteI think Kiera and Suze said some great things.
Congrats on the new neice.
Jess - you know I think you're an amazing Mom. You've committed so much of your time to Logen's therapies, far more than I have. I too question my parenting all the time. I left my job because I felt Malayna needed me more and at times I question that too. She cannot adjust to preschool and I sometimes feel that's because she's spent too much time with me and none away from me, so did I do the right thing? But after giving it some real thought I believe I did. I truly believe that we need to do things to make ourselves happy in order to be good parents too. So if going back to school is what makes you happy, then in the long run that will be best for your kids. Having a healthy, happy Momma will always be the best thing in the end. Don't beat yourself up. I've always admired all you've done, so keep up the great work! Love ya!
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