Hey Dallas~

Will you send me your email addy, puh-lezzz?
jklduncan@yahoo.com

Thanks :)

Day 4: A Good Day!

School was a joy today :) I only have 1 course on Tues/Thursdays. It's Drama Lecture. My teacher is a Grad student and super upbeat. Today we were split up in groups and put on 2 minute long skits. I have to say, our group was the BEST :) And, i'm not just saying that either... It was cute, and we made everybody laugh. We were even giggly as we did it.

Thanks to all those who have said prayers for me this week! My first French quiz is in the morning. Eck! Wish me luck! Oh, I feel WAY smart in French 1. I'm no longer the biggest idiot in the class... even better!

* I *think* i'm going to try to wear 'real' clothes tomorrow. I have a cute new dress I'd love to wear and I picked up new shoes today for 3 bucks! (I think somebody put it in the system wrong, but it was good for me!) I do lots and lots of walking, so I am not sure how this will go. Decisions... I just feel better when I'm not in slouchy clothing.

Hose Play

My camera lens was foggy. It was in the beach bag by a bottle of cold water. But, these pics were to sweet not to share. Oh, look-- must be avoiding something...
Au revoir.

Day 2: Lost

Drama Lecture: Good. Meet some very 'fruity' new people. Interactive class. I think it's going to be great.

Lost: (not a class, but a 'blonde thing' I do frequently.) Jessica got on the wrong bus. Let me explain: at my school we park WAY far away from the actual school. So, they provide a free transit system for us. There are several different bus routes, and you get on the 'color route' according to your parking lot (I use lot 56A). My bus is green, but I learned today that there's a little 2 words under GREEN on the sign. Pomfret. I haven't noticed this before. I usually luck out and get on GREEN w/o realizing it, I guess. Today, I get on Pomfret green. And, they stop near the baseball stadium. My lot is by the football stadium. Do I really pay that much attention? Uh, no. I get out and am going, oh crap. There's not a big parking lot near me. I don't think I went to the right place. So, I start walking thinking surely I will run into it. This campus can't really be that big right? I walk on. And, start to fret. I try to call my hubby b/c I found a street sign to explain where I am potentially at. Um, somebody forgot to pay that bill (I am NEVER late on bills, but for some reason the cell phone escaped me. Must've been that it was due when we were in Florida.). So, my phone is shut off. And, I can't call to ask where I might be. I keep on walking. I walk for like an hourish. Finally, I get to my lot. I walked through sprinklers even. It was hot. Thankfully, I learned a VALUABLE lesson yesterday. You could tell by clothing the experienced "U of A" students. They all had on comfy clothing and tennis shoes of some sort. Me, well I tried to look 'cute' for the first day. In blue jean capri's and flipper floppers :P Today, Jessica wore the tennis shoes and cotton shorts w/ a tee. So glad, that many steps in flip flops would have sucked.

I have 2 lessons:
1) any upcoming college students, dress for comfort your 1st day and don't forget your tennies!!!!
2) ALWAYS make sure you get on the correct bus and don't get off at the baseball stadium thinking it's the football stadium. (Actually, I didn't know which was what, I just saw the bleachers)
Oh and a 3rd, PAY ATTENTION to your surroundings.

I'm no longer in Cal. I switched it for Developmental Psychology. Joy. And, I've spent atleast 3 hours on the phone w/ Sprint today. Ugh.

Avoiding My Homework

This is what happens when you avoid homework. I got a new photo edit program. I've been playing around. Not studying or doing what I should be doing. There are a TON of family pics I need to upload. Here's me a little monkey. (Ps- the ocean was nasty looking the day we did those pictures. Tropical Storm Fay blew in that night... I'm sure thats why)

Bad Day

Day 1: SCARY.

French: I walked into French (a la Francais) confident. hahahaha I walked out, and immediately pulled out the laptop to drop it. Don't fret, I'm back in Francais Un. Or however you say French 1.

Genetics: Ah, well ok. Read Ch 1 by Wednesday. 10-4

Lunch: With a friend, Chick-fil-A. Yum

Calculus: Oh, Lordy. I took notes, and was totally pumped. But, I think my teacher has it in for frat guys. She gave a speech on "if you aren't strong in algebra and trig and want to plegde and be in a frat, get out of my class." There was also the "I have thrown chalk at kids for disrupting" speech. I think that lady is Koo-Koo! Left there, still happy. I'm a female for one :) No thought of pledging to anything.

Calculus Drill: Test # 1. 9 questions, no calculators of any kind. Just brains. Well, only your brain. And, mine. Is so out of 4th grade. Which was what the quiz was on. 2/3 * 1/4= ? I missed it. Infact, I missed like 5 of the 9. I can't divide decimals, I got the numbers right, just put the decimal in the wrong place. I'm stressing.

I hae a TON of homework to do. I should not be blogging. I needed to vent~ to all those people who stopped reading after my first sentence. I've been searching for a new class since 6. It's now 10. I'm in trouble. Wish me luck.

Panic Mode, ON!

I start school tomorrow. My summer ends in just a few hours. Gulp.
I've started panic mode. Seriously, panic.... I haven't decided on my foreign language. French or German. I've signed up for both, until I can make up my mind. I bought both books today, b/c I can't decide. The biggest issue- they would start me at Elementary French 2 whereas if I took German, I'd start at level 1 (or below that, whatever you consider elementary to be). I've had French before, yes- but, hello?! It's been since high school. Like 10 & half of 11th grade. Whoa.
And, on Calculus. I nearly poo'd all over myself when I opened the book. I am HORRIFIED. I was foresure going to drop it yesterday. Today, I'm thinking- just maybe I can do it. But, now-- well, ECK! I took Trig in spring of '06 and College Algebra in like '04 (and, I pretty much sat at our kitchen table crying over my book the entire term). It's been a LONG time since my last math course. So, I panic. I'm not so sure I can do it all.

I HAVE no choice but to work my tailend off and get all A's. I want to get into the Honor's program. I have to have a 3.5 GPA, so I basically am shooting for a 4.0 GPA for this term. I'm stuck at a 3.31 now, which isn't good enough for me. Could you all just say a prayer for me. That I make it through the week, that I don't go into any wrong classrooms, and that I can learn to control my 'stress' and not freak so much?! Thanks :)

A Tropical Storrm Experience

Friday Night was crazy. We hung out at the condo most of the day, watching people pack their cars and get out of town as Fay was expected to hit Destin by sunset Friday (the big stuff holding off until the AM hours Saturday), with rain totals of up to 12 inches. We went to fill the gas tank up, we experienced very LONG lines at the pump, and people leaving w/o getting gas. The lady came on the speaker informing us there were satilite system failures a good part of the evening and we may not beable to get gas. The 2 cars infront of us left with no gas. As we pulled up, Adam decided to try. She came back on the intercom saying it was working then, but didn't know how long it would last. We also noticed a gas price hike from the time we arrived to our departure. Nothing huge, 10 cents/gal max. When we returned to the condo Friday night, there were like 5 cars in the parking lot. Going from a full lot the night before. We managed to make it out of town without to much grief. High winds and heavy rain, which did make the drive a little more interesting. We said many prayers for the people in the southern FL region. They experienced some major flooding.
This is taken standing on our back porch. You can 'sort of' see the way the wind was blowing the tree's in the next 4 photos. These were all taken around 7:30am Saturday.


View from our condo's front door.


A picture of the TV screen, before heading out Saturday. We were behind the lady, you can see the N sticking out. "DestiN"

Taken along the "Destin Bridge" (The next 4 pics were my attempt of catching the waves, which were much larger on the way out of town!)

Destin Coast

Bridge in Pensacola

Welcome Home!

We got in Saturday night around 10:30ish (pm), we walked in to (after being in the van since 8am):
* Lightbulbs unscrewed
* Doll head, and boots stuffed in our bed (the 'doll' is what Ann practiced hair with, she's a stylist- and VERY good... if you need her #)
* Jim on the side table
* The Matress and box springs switched (mat on bottom, box springs on top)
*And, as I go to SIT on the toilet, I find brown smeared stuff and a chunk of stuff in the pot. I later learned it was Reese's PB Cup, not poop




We have some terrific friends who 'house & fish sat' for us. All we can say is~ hehehe you just wait til we watch your house!!! :) (and, nah we aren't mad, we thought it was pretty funny--- but, we know where you sleep! LOL) Yea, I had Adam hide the doll head. I'd end up waking up and see it and freak out thinking it was a real person or The Bride of Chuckie was out to get me. No joke, I'm freaky that way- I don't do scary!

Watch Out World!

Why you say?! Well, LOGEN IS 5!!!!! He had a nice 'little' celebration. We swam in the ocean and the pool, went to dinner at Fudpucker's, played at a playground (BTW: Destin has some AWESOME kids play areas, like I mean HUGE ones with 6 or 7 different slide/climby things) went to get cupcakes, and little turkey was up till 1am playing with the bestest gift ever (that daddy picked out), a Batman costume.
First evening on the beach, when it was great (full day 1, he didn't think it was so great)

Logen~ "Cheesin' it up!"

Soooo super super excited. The Spiderman bag really excited him. :P

Notice his outfit. It's a "Logen picked out one". He's got a thing for camo these days.

My Hero, Batman (AKA Logen-Man)


PS~ I have a TON of pictures from our trip to show you all. :)

I'm An "OFFICIAL" U of A Student!

I attended a very LONG (not so exciting, but informative) college orientation today. I am an 'official' student now :) I think I've signed up for education suicide. Seriously- my schedule is this...

Monday & Wednesdays:
9:30 - 10:20~ Intermediate French 2 (I had 2 years of French in HS)
10:30 - 11:20~ Genetics
12:30 - 1:20~ Calculus 1
1:30 - 2:20~ Calculus Drill

Tuesday & Thursdays:
9:30 - 11:20~ Theatre Lecture (My most boring course of all, IMO)

Friday:
Same as Monday and Wednesday minus "drill"

So, do you agree with me? It's going to be pure h3ll?! Expect a few blog posts on- procrastination, boredom, STRESS, exams, totally freaking out (get the picture?)

BEACH BOUND!

Blog Family, we are taking a VACATION! For the first time in almost 5 years we are packing up & heading to Florida. We are SOOOOO excited about this. A week in a lovely condo was given to us as a wedding gift, yea- wedding! The one in 2004. We've not been able to take it until now. I told Adam earlier in the year, do or die- we will spend a week in Destin this year! We are heading out Friday and won't be back until the following Sunday. I start class on Monday. Logen will also celebrate his 5th birthday there. Say a prayer for us as we embark on a 14 hour drive (thats w/o stopping... hahahaha with Parker in the van!) We are splitting the drive and going half way Friday (after Adam gets off work and Logen is done with therapy) and the rest of the way Saturday.

~ I have college orientation (since I am moving on and going from the community college to a major university) tomorrow (8am to 6pm), think of me tomorrow. I will be bored out of my mind... I am sure.

The Verdict

I spoke with the APN this afternoon- the Neuro wants to increase Logen's Zonegran. He will be getting 25mg in the morning and 50mg in the evening. She said his dose was still pretty low, so he will beable to go up quite a bit if needed. If no seizures, I will call back in 2 weeks. Hopeing I don't have to talk to them again for 14 days!!!

I'm still in awe of the fact that at almost 5 y/o we START having seizures. I know there are alot of you who's child has had them for a while, and are *used* to it, {{kinda- I'm in edit mode and don't get my original point. Seriously, I know you don't really ever become 'used to' something like this. What was I thinking.....?}} Like the fact, that everything else that we hear (that we'd just rather not hear, well just rather not have to have our child going through) I don't want to accept it. I keep thinking, if I don't see it it won't be there. We've had a dx (yet now we aren't so sure, for the last year we've been not so sure) for over 3 years. It's still sinking in. It's hard, and it's even harder for my little man. Blah. It just sucks. Simply stated- It Just Sucks.

Thanks for reading my "non-positive attitude" vent :)

Logen had a seizure again

I forgot to mention. Logen seizued at the dinner table last night. It was one of those 'freak' staring spells. He just dropped his head back, rolled back his eyes and went non-responsive. It only lasted about 30 seconds. I am waiting on the nurse from the CP Center to call me back. They said if he was still having seizures at his current dose, they'd most likely increase it. My poor little Logen. He's already fairly lethargic on it now. He goes from laughing hyena to mad to asleep in minutes.


Anybody know of any aggresive-ness associated with Zonegran? Logen seems to be mean, like hitting us or biting. Not sure if he's just more frustrated or the med is making him crazy. Any help would be great!!! :) Thanks

News

So, I am beginning to think my blog is a downer. Do I ever post happy posts?

I went to the OB today (no, I am not pregnant!). We changed my birthcontrol (again). We increased the hormones. This will tell us if my migraines are hormonal. It should make them worse. *sigh* Our other option was to stop birthcontrol to see if they go away. We did this at the beginning of the year, no such luck. Plus, I am not a fan of 3 children- atleast no yet. My boys are more than I an handle sometimes. (Yes, I am VERY grateful to have 2!!) I'm still in need of a hysterectomy. It's just so final. I am ok with me making the decision to be ok with 2 (I don't have much of an option since my cervix sucks and stays open) but for a dr to make that decision for me, well- I don't like that idea so much. Just when I think I have accepted the fact that I will only be a mom to boys, I get hit in the face with- oh, yea- it's real you can't really house another baby b/c you just don't have a cervix that will close enough to hold it. And, there's that whole risk of a preemie. I don't think I could go through leaving another baby at the NICU an going home empty handed. That was way to hard. You momma's that leave you baby in for months at a time are amazing. (Not that you have a choice, right?) Parker was only in there for 11 days. 11 days to long. My kids seem to have a pattern- Logen was born at 36 weeks and Parker at 34 weeks. I can't help but think *if* I was able to have another, that child would be born at 32 weeks. And, that's just to early for me to wanna risk.

So, I am bummed today :(

Oh, by the way-- would you say a small prayer for me? I had a spot that suddenly appeared a few weeks ago removed last week. It was discolored and jagged edged. My derm said, 'honey, we really need to take this off to send to pathology.'

A Teen With CP Said...

Erin found my blog and commented. She's a 16 y/o with CP. I went to her blog, and found this. I have to enter in my thoughts b/c what I read I pictured Logen saying to me, well not 'saying' but telling me with his 'talker'.
Hers are in italics (Hope this is ok to post Erin!)

Why is life so hard? I wish it wasn't, for you, for Logen- for every special needs child/adult. I cry to.
Why am I like this? My guess- you are special. God made you in his image. You are exactly how he wanted you to be. And, I know it's not easy. My baby struggles to.
Why can't I just be normal? I pray for this. But, what is 'normal'? Is there anybody out there that is 'normal'. I don't think so. I know I am not quote, normal.
Why do I have to face so many obstacles, so many challenges? I wish I could answer this. Just know, you aren't alone. I watch my little boy face them everyday. Anything from walking to trying to swallow. I see it to, and I know it's not easy. And I hate it for you. I know lots of mommies (particularly ones who post on the CP board with me) question that same thing. We want to know to...
Why do I have to be the one that's stared rudely at? I wish they would stop. Logen gets those looks too. I want to tell those people some 'not so nice' things. Stop staring....
Why do I have to go through the pain, the surgical procedures? We haven't faced 'surgery', but Logen's been through procedures. And, I can't tell you if he physically hurts. B/c he can't really tell me. He has decreased sensation... or atleast thats what the 'professionals' say. Emotionally- I pray he doesn't yet see that people think he's 'different'. I am afraid that will hurt the most.
If there is a God, why would I be this way? Does he think it's funny that I have to go through this? Why? Just why? I'm losing my faith. I'm beginning to think that there is no God. I wonder this too.
It's all just a cruel board game called life. I suppose I should remember that life is a bitch because if it was a slut it would be easy... Just a cruel board game that I'm losing. I'm ready to through all the pieces on the floor and just say 'screw it'... You aren't losing. Look how far you've made it. Mom's like me LOVE to hear from kids with CP. B/c it makes us realize there is something to look forward to. Life is not easy. I may not have CP, but I've dealt with other issues and from that- I know life is no 'tree in the park'. But, we are still here. So, there is a reason for it. Even if we have no clue why.
I wish I knew what was ahead, what was coming, what lies ahead of me, and if it's really worth it. I wish a lot of things. They never seem to come true.. So why wish? Why believe?Why live? I know of several momma's out there who want a glimpse of the future. What lies ahead for our babies. We ask the same questions to one another. We praise the progress and question the future. Maybe it's just human nature. Be brave, keep believing, and stay strong. We are all 'here' for each other to lean on. Keep truckin' on Erin. Keep wishing, keep your faith, keep living.

Ick, Therapy Schmarapy

I was laying in bed last night thinking about this. Logen spends 14 hours (during the school year, its 16 to 17 hours) per week in therapy. Our life seems to revolve around his therapy schedule. My classes this fall (and work) will have to work with therapy. I'm very happy he gets such an intense amount of therapy. He seems to love going, and is generally pretty cooperative most days. Then, I think about people who have kids that don't have therapy. They can take them into preschool and go on about their day. Pick up their kid after work and go home. In no way am I saying that life with a 'typical' child is easy. I have a 'semi-typical' toddler, and while I secretly love that he can do all of the 'rotten' things he does- I still hurt for Logen. I don't really know what I am trying to get at. It all made sense in my head.

Here's today's schedule for example:
730, drop Logen off at preschool
8, drop Parker off at daycare
I tanned (and took a small nap)
9, home to pick up around the house and shower
1145, go get Logen
1230 Logen- speech therapy
1245 meet friend at dr to help her
130 Logen- physical therapy
230 head to the pool for OT
300 Logen - (OT) Pool therapy
415 go get Parker
515 home to get dinner ready, and prepare for baths and bed

Our days are just crazy. I guess there are many times I wish things were different. I wouldn't have a clue how to go through a day w/o therapy. Sure we get the weekends off from therapy, but they are generally packed with things to do as well. Sometimes, I just want 'nothing' to do. :P

Speech Eval (Post # 1)

Parker was somewhat 'non-complient' yesterday. If you can imagine that....

We did finish the eval, however- the first half hour was spent like this:
SLP: Parker, can you point to the bear?
P: No
SLP: Can you show me the ball?
P: Uh, uh
SLP: Can you say 'bye-bye'?
P: No
SLP: Where's the cookie?
P: NOOOOOOO

She thinks he has a bit of low tone in his mouth (will catch up, it's b/c of being born early). He does have several words- but doesn't make all the noises a 'typical' 21 month old would. She will score the eval and let me know if he qualifies. It sounded like he will qualify--- so we will see. I'll let ya know!

Parker's Speech Eval

Parker has a speech eval this afternoon. Say a prayer for us. I'm *hoping* he's not to far behind or is right on track. I'm so paranoid that he's not going to be 'normal'!!! He's been through an OT eval (and passed, came out in the low % of normal- could also be that he was a preemie). People kept telling me Logen would 'catch up', I've heard it a few times with Parker and am not going to sit back and give him the chance to lag behind *if* he's behind at all.

I'll post the results when we get a copy of the eval- but will post something tonight or tomorrow.

Trina Weekend :)

Trina (Hannah's mom from the CP board) flew in for the weekend. We went camping in 100 degree weather (smart decision, eh?) and floated the river Sunday. We had crazy fun :P And even took pictures (from our cell phones, so not great quality) to prove it. I do have a throw away camera somebody got ahold of Saturday night- so there is NO telling whats on it. I'll upload those when I get them. Now, I've got to figure out when I can go to Idaho!
I'm still in shock- Trina didn't know what okra was. Any other northerns that don't know what fried okra is? She ate some while she was here, and I think she liked it.
On the way to camp. Stopped at Wal-Mart for 'camping drinks'
Sunday Morning, getting ready to get on the river. (No makeup on, and after a long hot night!!)
Jess & Larson (one of our LONG time buddies)
Self Explainitory
We brought along a 'beer bong'.
Cleaning up camp

One Of Those Days

... again. I really don't think they will ever end. It gets more apparent everyday.
Logen is different.
And, I hate that. I take him into preschool to drop him off, I watch the other children- many of who ask me questions. 1 little fellow in particular loves talking to me. He even calls me Ms Jessica when he speaks to me. I see the 'typical, normal' children playing. The way they manipulate their toys is a wonder to me. It's just crazy to see what other kids his age can do. And, then of course I am left with that "Why can't he do that to?" feeling that seems to creep with on Mom's who have children with Special Needs.
I don't like that little girl that told me Logen was and is weird. I hold a grudge. I think there is something wrong with a 23 y/o who can't forgive a 5 y/o for things she said, she might not even remember saying that.
I don't like the fact that I'm reminded constantly about my son's 'different-ness'. That just plain sucks. I have to ask God why he did this to us. What lesson is this teaching? And, why couldn't he just teach me and not allow Logen to go through something like this.
I sat and talked with a mom at therapy Wednesday. She's got a 13 y/o with Autism and she just had a baby 3 weeks ago. She was talking about her P going into middle school. And, she said she couldn't handle that- shes decided to homeschool atleast this year. She said they just have to much to work on. It was to hard for her to see the way P was treated by peers and middle school would surely be harder. I think about this, I send Logen to kindergarten Fall '09. I don't think I can do it. I freak out when a kid says he's weird in preschool. But, the thing is-- kids seem more cruel these days. I don't remember being mean and hateful to kids that were different. I don't even remember noticing that kind of difference until JR high. And, by high school I was so caught up myself and MY life that I didn't pay attn to others. I had a parenting course on the Special Ed wing of the high school. So, you could look in and see them. The majority of the kids were just chilling in their wheelchairs. They weren't ever out in the halls roaming freely like I could. And, that made me a little sad. I guess I didn't put much more thought into it.
So, really what I am getting at is that I am SCARED to send Logen to school. I don't want to do it. But, I want to finish my degree(s) as well. And, I can't do both. So, how do I know whats right? Will it totally screw him up to send him off to a place where he may not be accepted? I hate that. I *wish* no kids were mean.