... again. I really don't think they will ever end. It gets more apparent everyday.
Logen is different.
And, I hate that. I take him into preschool to drop him off, I watch the other children- many of who ask me questions. 1 little fellow in particular loves talking to me. He even calls me Ms Jessica when he speaks to me. I see the 'typical, normal' children playing. The way they manipulate their toys is a wonder to me. It's just crazy to see what other kids his age can do. And, then of course I am left with that "Why can't he do that to?" feeling that seems to creep with on Mom's who have children with Special Needs.
I don't like that little girl that told me Logen was and is weird. I hold a grudge. I think there is something wrong with a 23 y/o who can't forgive a 5 y/o for things she said, she might not even remember saying that.
I don't like the fact that I'm reminded constantly about my son's 'different-ness'. That just plain sucks. I have to ask God why he did this to us. What lesson is this teaching? And, why couldn't he just teach me and not allow Logen to go through something like this.
I sat and talked with a mom at therapy Wednesday. She's got a 13 y/o with Autism and she just had a baby 3 weeks ago. She was talking about her P going into middle school. And, she said she couldn't handle that- shes decided to homeschool atleast this year. She said they just have to much to work on. It was to hard for her to see the way P was treated by peers and middle school would surely be harder. I think about this, I send Logen to kindergarten Fall '09. I don't think I can do it. I freak out when a kid says he's weird in preschool. But, the thing is-- kids seem more cruel these days. I don't remember being mean and hateful to kids that were different. I don't even remember noticing that kind of difference until JR high. And, by high school I was so caught up myself and MY life that I didn't pay attn to others. I had a parenting course on the Special Ed wing of the high school. So, you could look in and see them. The majority of the kids were just chilling in their wheelchairs. They weren't ever out in the halls roaming freely like I could. And, that made me a little sad. I guess I didn't put much more thought into it.
So, really what I am getting at is that I am SCARED to send Logen to school. I don't want to do it. But, I want to finish my degree(s) as well. And, I can't do both. So, how do I know whats right? Will it totally screw him up to send him off to a place where he may not be accepted? I hate that. I *wish* no kids were mean.
5 months ago
I can't say I totally understand your feelings, because I don't. I do have to say that Lillian had a special needs child come to their classroom for a hour or two a day with a helper, and they all treated him really cute her teacher said. They had a meeting before his first day coming and talked about how each kid is special, etc. I think that it can be done in a way that prepares kids. Lillian is at the age though where she understands that she is blessed to be her. I think the girl in Logan's preschool wasn't prepared. I also had an experience with a boy that had DS when I was in middle school, a group of people were standing around making fun of this boy. A girl my age ran in the center of the circle and stopped the mean boys and took the DS boy lovingly where he needed to go, she became my good friend. I told my girls that story before they started school. Because that girl was one of my first heros. She did something that I didn't have the courage to do at the time. So while there is mean out there, there still is much good. I know that you will make the best choice for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteNow it's MY turn to send you HUGE HUGS!! You know I get where you're coming from, sweetie. It's so hard to send your kids off into the world knowing the cruelty that is out there. I try to comfort myself by thinking how much love & support Joshie gets from his family & friends. Hopefully, he will understand the "mean people" aren't important. I know what wonderful parents you & Adam are & how much love surrounds Logen. It's hard NOT to worry about our kids, it's ONE thing we have in common with parents of "typical kids". Ugh...I'm rambling now.....just know I'm seding HUGS & know where you are coming from!
ReplyDeleteLove ya!
Boy you really brought tears to my eyes with that post, I have a big ol' knot in my throat! Sometimes I wish I could keep my son at home with me too (and he is almost 10!) That way I wouldn't have to worry about him being picked on or made fun of because he is different. In his years in school, it honestly has not happened too much until just recently, the kids are really starting to see his handicap. The nice thing is most of the kids he will be going into 4th grade with, are all kids he has gone to school with since kindergarten. Most of them are aware of his problem, because he has explained it to them. What I am worried the most about is middle school and highschool. Those coming years wear of me daily, believe me. I know this is hard and I can tell how upset you are by what you wrote. The only thing I can say, and what has helped me is take it breathe by breathe, one day, one hour, one second at a time. Whatever it takes to get you through it. What I have found through the years, is there are ways of dealing with things as they occur and your worry does get a 'little' easier. I just wanted to let you know that I understand and I can only hope that his first day and year of Kindergarten in the fall of 09 goes without a problem. (((HUGS))) You are a great mommy! And for that, he will always be secure and happy.
ReplyDeleteI feel you, totally! It scares me, too. I have just blogged about this kinda thing as well. All we can do is continue to be strong advocates for our children, and when necessary speak up! I need to speak up more, but as you know when you're in the moment all you feel is heartache, the anger and smart comebacks come later. People just don't get unless they're in our shoes. Argh!
ReplyDeleteLove you and sweet Logen!
-Caitlin and Mona
Big hugs to you Jess! Like Suzanne, we are still so new to all of this that I have not yet experienced what you are talking about, so I do not have wonderful words of advice.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing Mom. You need to work through these emotions in your own way and do not be so hard on yourself.
I hope that this week is going a little better.