No School Friday

Agggggg... the snow is messing with our schedule! Do you know what unexpected schedule changes do to my children? Seriously... 4 days of no school- Monday is going to be complete and utter caos for my little Logen man! And, for Momma! Not sure if therapy is canceled tomorrow or not, they haven't posted that. All of the schools are closed though. Should have figured that one out on my own. It's like 20 degrees outside and the ground is wet! Duh, Jess!!!! :P

Parker Faces ~They Make Me Laugh

I'm one of THOSE Moms

Ya know, the ones kids make fun of? The ones who lick their finger to get 'stuff' off of our kids faces. And, yes I chase Logen around the house trying to get a icky green boogie out of his nose. I just did it and when I came back to the computer to turn it off for a while, I laughed and said (ya, I have voices in my head to) I have to blog this. I know there's more people out there like me- they just won't admit to it! I have turned into my Mother, and Grandmother. Oh, man! :)

3 Years, Today

On January 31, 2005 Logen was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. I don't think I have ever cried that much in my life, ever. It's been 3 years and I still have those days when I want to crawl in a hole and scream. There are some AMAZING women in my life that have helped me deal with those days. They've helped me more than words can say. THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU ALL, dearly. And, so much more than I tell you. I wouldn't have made it this far, with most of my sanity intact without you. You all know exactly who you are. Thank you my sweet, wonderful, caring, beautiful friends. Thank you.

3 years ago we had an MRI scheduled at 8am. We stayed the night at my Aunt Lori's b/c she lives only a few minutes from Arkansas Children's Hospital. We woke up, got ready, and went to the hospital. We'd been to radiology before. Logen had had a swallow study the month before- that's when we first found out he was aspirating on thin liquids. We were called back and given all of the details that entailed having an MRI w/sedation. Logen was given chloral hydrate through the rectum. He was put into the MRI machine. He looked so peaceful. So beautiful. And, I was scared to death. We stood infront of the machine watching the scan countdown. About half way through it, he started moving. I freaked. I was yelling. Nobody was coming in to save Logen. I remember not being able to turn the door knob to get out of the room. Finally, (it seemed like forever) a lady came in. They were going to call the Dr to see if it would be ok to give Logen some more CH to finish the scan. It was, and we strapped him back down and slid him back into the machine. Once it was over, I held him in my arms. I nursed him (b/c we didn't have any thickener, and I knew he wouldn't take anything but Momma's milk anyway). Were given the "ok" to leave. In a few hours we had an appt with the Neuro up stairs. We went to lunch at a mexican resturant. We went back to the hospital and followed the signs to Neurology. We were taken into a room and a very sweet nurse brought Logen a blue bird, TY beanie baby. (We still have that, for memories I guess) The Neuro came in and we talked. There was no mention of CP. When she stood to leave she asked if we had any other questions. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "Does he have CP?" Her EXACT words (I will never forget them) were "You could say that?" I said, "Do we have a dx" "Yes, you could say that." She walked out. I sat there feeling like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. I couldn't cry at that moment. We walked down to the car and headed on our 4 hour journey home. That was the LONGEST car ride of my life.

My Mom was calling, I think my phone rang like crazy with people calling to see how it went. The only person I remember talking to was my Mom. I think she just listened to me cry actually. Adam was driving, and he just kept saying "it's going to be fine. Logen is still Logen and we love him the same." Yes, I know that. I will NEVER love Logen any less b/c of what he can or can't do, because of what he 'has' or doesn't. My love for Logen only grows. The emptiness in my heart has healed, slightly. But, it will always ache for Logen. Not for me. It's not about me. It's hard for ME, yes- but, imagine what Logen goes through. He can't express what he feels.

Through the last 3 years Logen has learned to crawl, walk, jump, nearly run, sign, he's moved from honey to nectar thick- and almost off all thickners, his drooling has stopped and come back again, he's attempting to potty train, he's going to preschool, he was given a little brother (that drives him crazy, but loves him like mad to!), gotten a communication device, moved from ankle support AFO's to just polly wogs, sleeps in his own room, in his own bed- alone!, has the biggest smile that can melt your heart in 0 seconds, and loves everybody he comes in contact with. He's done so more than than I can list in 3 years-

Logen- Mommy loves you. Everything you do is amazing, you are one true miracle. Every time you smile, you melt my heart. You are a blessing in life, you are my life. Without you, I'd be lost. You have taught your Mommy so much in the last 4 years. You've taught me what 'real' love is. And, how to be truely thankful. You will always be my baby, even when you're 50- so just expect that. I'll still be calling you 'my baby', forever. I love you- to the moon, around the world, and all the way back. Thank you for making me smile.

I Am The Child...

I am the child who cannot talk. You often pity me, I see it in your eyes. You wonder how much I am aware of -- I see that as well. I am aware of much -- whether you are happy or sad or fearful, patient or impatient, full of love and desire, or if you are just doing your duty by me. I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater, for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.

You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times. I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated. I do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well-being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world about me. I do not give you rewards as defined by the world's standards -- great strides in development that you can credit yourself; I do not give you understanding as you know it.
What I give you is so much more valuable -- I give you instead opportunities. Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine; the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities; the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible. I drive you further than you would ever go on your own, working harder, seeking answers to your many questions with no answers. I am the child who cannot talk.

I am the child who cannot walk. The world seems to pass me by. You see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair, to run and play like other children. There is much you take for granted. I want the toys on the shelf, I need to go to the bathroom, oh I've dropped my fork again. I am dependant on you in these ways. My gift to you is to make you more aware of your great fortune, your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself. Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them. I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright, to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent. I give you awareness. I am the child who cannot walk.

I am the child who is mentally impaired. I don't learn easily, if you judge me by the world's measuring stick, what I do know is infinite joy in simple things. I am not burdened as you are with the strifes and conflicts of a more complicated life. My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child, to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love. I give you the gift of simplicity. I am the child who is mentally impaired.

I am the disabled child. I am your teacher. If you allow me, I will teach you what is really important in life. I will give you and teach you unconditional love. I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you. I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted. I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams. I teach you giving. Most of all I teach you hope and faith. I am the disabled child.

* I read this as if Logen were speaking to me. He is the child that cannot talk. Yet, maybe he does. And, maybe some day he will.

Don't

"DON’T...."
Don’t look at me with pity.
Don’t look with disgust.
Don’t think I am contagious.
Don’t look at my parents like they are to blame.
Don’t think my mom drank or took drugs.
Don’t think my dad hit her while I was in her tummy.
Don’t complain because your feet hurt from being on them all day...
I may never know that hurt.
Don’t moan because you are tired of walking all over your office.....
I may never get that chance.
Don’t get tired of talking on the phone
I may never get to speak.
Don’t get mad when your child is getting into everything when they start walking.....
My parents will cry for joy.
Don’t shush your child when they are talking too much.....
My mother will cry tears of happiness for that.
Don’t scold your child for kissing you too much when you are busy.....
My dad will hug me tight for that.
My parents will believe all of this is a true miracle.
I am not dead.
I am not dumb.
I am not nothing.
I feel.
I hurt.
I THINK.
I LOVE.
I am in this body!
I have rights!
Don’t pass me by & hang your head in sorrow....
Talk to me.
Touch me.
Love me.
But please.......Don’t

* I found this poem this morning, a disABLED teen wrote it. My heart was cring, yet smiling as I thought about Logen telling people this someday. I think the young lady 'hit the nail on the head' with this one. I say, WTG girl!!!! (Her name is Jessica too)

Snow Day!

This morning I walked outside and saw this! Schools are closed and therapy has been canceled. I took this at 8:30 this morning. We are suppose to get more snow this afternoon. I will take a few more pictures throughout the day and post them. Honestly, I think God sent the snow for my benefit. I needed a day where we have NOTHING to do. I am sitting at home with my beautiful baby boys and playing. No stress today (hahahaha), except for the fact that my hubby works for Fed-Ex and they are out in the middle of it kinda freaks me out! I just talked to him and he said the roads are pretty slippery and people are driving like idiots. Go figure, people in our area drive like that regardless of weather conditions. :)

My day in the ER

And, I *thought* Monday was a busy day. Boy, was I wrong. Last night when I was nursing Parker, I started having chest pain. It felt like a huge elephant was sitting on my chest. It was followed by a feeling of floating on a raft in the ocean & dizziness. This morning I got up and took Logen to school and had a nabbing stabbing pain in my chest. I also felt dizzy, shaky, and felt like I couldn't catch my breath. So, I called my Dr & she advised me to go to the ER. I called my mom (she's an RN) and she said the same thing. We have family history of heart problems. There's been 7 deaths heart related in the last 3 years- nobody my age though.

We got to the ER and my heart rate was going between 120 and 140, my BP was a bit elevated, & my O2 levels were low. I was taken to a trauma room quickly. I was having a difficult time walking back to the room. My legs kept feeling like they were going to collapse. It was scary thinking I was having a hard time walking. They immediately did an EKG, put me on oxygen, and put in an IV. They also drew blood for labs. They were testing for cardiac enzyme elevation. That test takes an hour and a half, so I knew I'd be there atleast that long.

The EKG came back perfect. My heart rate went down to normal once I layed down, they had also given me some medicine through the IV. We got my labs back and they were WNL. I have Costochondritis; imflammation around the heart/ribs on the left side. It was brought on by severe stress. (Hmm, me stressed?! Thats a new one...) I was discharged and told to take 600mg Motrin 3x/day for the next 10 days. Once I wean Parker completely I can start on an anxiety medication thats 'higher powered' and that should keep my heart from racing like it does. And, of course, I should try not to stress out so much.

So, now- How do I not stress out?!! Now that I think about ways to 'de-stress', I'm stressing about that. Let's just keep adding things to my "to-do" list. It's not long enough.

Pray For Local Fire Fighters

Ft Chaffee is on fire right now and the wind speeds are very high, causing the fire to spread quickly. Will you say a prayer that the fire is put out quickly and our firemen are safe? I have a family member there now.

My Baby Has FRIENDS!!!!

My heart smiled HUGE this morning blog family! HUGE! This morning, when we walked into preschool there was a lady (I cannot remember her name) who said, Good morning Logen! When we started down the hall she came out from behind the desk and said, "I HAD to give my little Logen a hug!" She gave him a big hug and kissed his cheek. He had a big 'ole grin on his face! She said, "Have a good day Logen!" It was too cute :) I've seen her in his class before. She was in there one day last week when I dropped him off. She was sitting on the floor and when Logen saw her, he walked right over to her and sat on her lap. She gave him 'suga's' then to. This young lady likes my baby and he, obviously, likes her too!

He has another friend his age too. His name is Jermaine. J helps Logen a little too much sometimes and his teachers have to remind him that Logen can do things on his own. I walked into his class one day, and Logen completely ignored that I was there. J grabbed his hand and pulled him over to me and said, "Logen- your mommy is here and I think it's time for you to go home now." I had to laugh. I think Logen is doing very well in school. And, his teachers seem to really, genuinely care! The whole feeding aspect is still bothering me, but I think it will be worked out soon.

Hugs blog family! Have a wonderful day!!!

Busy Day!

It's nearly 6:30pm and dinner is on the stove! I'm making Chicken Parmesan w/ Whole Wheat Rotini :)

Monday for us- we left the house around 8am. Parker & I dropped Logen off at preschool. We came home and did about 6 loads of laundry (4 of them still waiting to be put away), scrubbed the master bathroom, cleaned the kitchen- then went to pick Logen up to take him to PT and Speech. Our OT is sick (would ya say a prayer she gets better ASAP?). After we got home- we ate a yummy snack. For the life of me, I cannot remember what we had! I pulled the van out of the garage and got the boys riding toys down. I rode 4 miles on my stationary bike while the boys rode the 'real' bikes around in circles. Then, we ran to the pharmacy to pick up Adam's medicine. And- when dinner is done- we shall eat, take baths, read books, and hit the hay!!! Whew!

I have PT on Thursday and go to the Derm on Wednesday. I've got to call my Internal Med dr b/c my heart rate is still above 100- she wants to me to see a cardiologist so he can put a 24 hours heart monitor on me. Fun stuff!!!

Hope you all had a great Monday!

* HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY MIA!
* Andrea- We are all waiting patiently for Will to arrive! Looking forward to updates in the morning!!! :)

Water... Update

It's 4pm on DAY 2 of the 'pipe' problem. WE NOW HAVE RUNNING WATER! I'm out of the stone age!!!!! Brian called a 'plumber friend' and after the 6th trip to Lowe's, it's fixed! It took, um, 6 guys for me to have water again. 6 of them! Plus, Logen & Parker- you know they were in the middle of it. I'm so excited! I am going to wash sheets, do several loads of towels, clothes, etc and run the dishwasher (I think I have 2 loads to do) And, best of all- We will have a home cooked meal for dinner... no more honey roasted peanuts for me!!!! (That was my dinner last night along with some Taco Bell around midnightish) Kinda difficult to cook w/o water.

Thanks to my Momma & Dave for letting us shower and eat at your house this morning! I think this mornings shower was the best ever! So great to be CLEAN :)
And, of course, thanks to all the guys who helped fix my shower! I'm SO GREATFUL!

Oh, What A Day!!

Today, has been-well, I don't have the words for it. The master bathrooms showers faucet got stripped, somehow. It's been out of commission for a few weeks b/c Adam hasn't had the time to fix it. So, today (poor guy had time on his b-day) we shut the water off and sawed through the pipes. Thought we were going to have to pull the shower out to get to the pipes- but ended up cutting a large hole in the wall of the closet to come at the pipes the back way. (Just add it to the list of things to fix!) Needless to say, it's 10:30 pm- we've been to Lowe's 4 times and Adam & Brian are now at Wal-Mart looking for plumber's glue. Soldering isn't completely working. We've spent far to much money on this little project. Should have called a plumber.... would have spent about the same amount of money and certainly not 11 hours! I feel stinky and would really, really enjoy a shower right now. At this point, I'm praying to have running water by midnight. I have laundry to do and dishes to wash. I'm sure my babies would really like clean sippy cups for breakfast. And, Chance (we are babysitting my Mom & Dave's dog this weekend) would like some fresh water. Oh, and I'd like to beable to go to the bathroom in a real toilet :) TMI, right?!

Parker pulled a wrench off the bathroom counter and tore a nice chunk of skin off his big toe. It bleed pretty bad. I gave him a little motrin afterwards. He's still wimpering in his sleep. I'm sure it's throbbing like crazy. So far, we've only had 1 injury on this little plumbing journey.

Thanks, Brian for spending the day & night with us and helping fix the shower that you may have broken......

Boys are back.... lets hope we can fix the shower before January 27th, 2008 :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADAM!

Happy 27th Birthday Baby!! I LOVE YOU FOREVER & EVER!!!!!!!!

Apple & Pear Pie

Ok, I have to brag :) I LOVE making new things and I love it even more when the new things turn out fabulous! Tonight was one of those nights!! I made an Apple & Pear Pie for dessert. It was wonderful! I'm sharing the recipe with you!

Apple & Pear Pie
3/4 c cushed Nilla Wafers (about 24 wafers)
1/4 c Packed brown sugar
1/2 stick melted butter (1/4 c)
1 ready to use refridgerated pie crust
4 oz cream cheese (1/4 block)
2 large apples (I used granny smith) - peeled & sliced
1 large pear (mine was green, haha) - peeled & sliced
1/3 c sugar
1/4 c flour
1/2 tsp cinnamon
Cool Whip or ice cream for the top

Preheat oven to 375. Mix wafer crumbs, brown sugar, and butter until well blended; set aside.

Place pie crust in 9 inch pie plate. Spread cream cheese carefully onto bottom of crust (I softened mine first) Sprinkle with half the crumb mix. Combine fruit in large bowl. Add sugar, flour, and cinnamon. Toss to coat. Pour into pie shell. Sprinkle with remaining crumbs mix. (I made to batches of crumb mix and used 1/4 under the fruit and 3/4 as topping)

Bake 35 minutes or until fruit is tender and crust is lightly browned. I put foil around the crust edges after it'd been in the oven for about 25 minutes. Cool on a wire rack. Serve with cool whip or ice cream :) ENJOY!

If you happen to make this, will you come back and comment about it? You don't have to comment on this post, I just want to know what you think about it! I love it! It's very sweet though.

Gettin' Older

Some of you that read this are going to laugh at me. That's ok. I just had a realization this morning. - I'm getting older. My mom said something over the weekend about me turning 24 this year. I'm already 23, when did this happen? I'm stuck at me being 20. Next year, I'll be half way to 50. My middle-baby sister will be 17 this year. I still picture her being 6 years old. My baby-baby sister will be 13! WOW. Time flies.... especially when you become a mother and forget about your own birthday... As for the picture above, I feel like that today :) I did a *small* workout last night, and am very sore this morning. I used to beable to do the spilts 4 years ago.... Now, I'd fall over in pain if I tried. Hmm... my *old* self should do those stretches again this morning. I've been thinking about joining a gym. Maybe I should think on that a little harder. They do have free child care and tanning. Since, I'm adicted to tanning- might not be a bad idea ;)

Hope you all have a wonderful Tuesday!

More on the Communication Device

I was thrilled when we got it last week. Today, I look at it and think- Is this really how I am going to communicate with my child? Through a computer? I know this should be a positive thing. He's done very well with it. He seems to be figuring out what it is used for pretty quickly. Still, it doesn't change the fact that it just sucks! Why does he have to speak using a computer? Why can he not use his real voice? Will I ever hear my child say "Mom"? This is just to much right now. To much, I tell you....

Heart Issues

Hi again! The last 2 days have been rather interesting, for lack of a better word. Yesterday, my heart rate fluxuated from 130 - 150 (norm is 60 - 80). It was bothering me to the point I was having a hard time catching my breath. Today, it's been a tad lower- ranging from 100-120. I had a Dr's appt this morning. She wants me to start on an anxiety med. She thinks my heart rate is jumping so high b/c of stress. What stress?! My life is not stressful in the least bit..... Ha! She also gave me something to help me sleep. I've been waking up having anxiety attacks. She said if the anxiety med doesn't help slow my heart down soon, she will send me to a Cardiologist to do a 24 hour heart monitor. How many people my age (20's) do you know of that are having heart rate problems?! Seriously!

I feel better now that I got that out :)

Help Me Wean!

Ok, I'm having a HARD time weaning Parker from the breast. He will take juice and water from a cup. Sippy, straw, open- all kinds. However, we've tried breastmilk, whole milk, soy milk, rice milk, chocolate milk, strawberry milk, vanilla milk- warm, hot, cold, room temp.... NOTHING IS WORKING. He throws it. Or he will take a sip and spit it out at you. So, how do I wean this child?!?!?!?! It's not that he can't do it. It's that he think milk comes from a boob. And, thats it. All other milk sources aren't good.

I NEED HELP! Despirately need help. I'd like to have him weaned by April b/c I want tto do some volunteer stuff. He needs to be off the breast and used to it long before then so my hubby and mother won't loose sanity while taking care of him. LOL

One of "those" days

We all have them. Some are worse than others. Unfortunitely, today has been a yucky one. I feel like I'm drowning. Send some positive vibes my way.....

Communication Device

Yipppppeeeeeee! Logen FINALLY got his aug comm device yesterday! I am THRILLED! There is a ton to learn! It does alot of neat things! As of right now, we have online training scheduled for the end of February. It's a 6 hour training! In the short amount of time we've 'played' with the device, Logen has done very well. It's the motor planning that makes it so hard for him. He will stare at the icon he wants, but sometimes has a hard time hitting it. With OT, this should continure to improve. We re-kinesotaped this morning, so hopefully that will make a difference in his 'pointer' finger.

Edits

Hey guys! I'm in the process of "editing" my blog. I like to 'rearrange' things often, and I was getting blogger bored!!!! It'll be 'my way' soon.... about the time I need another change!

Some Funnies

We actually had a humerous trip to St Louis. Here are a few funnies I remember.

* We stopped at Target. We had parked in handicapped, since we have a tag now. An older man was taking an electric carts back inside. My 45 y/o mother was getting out of the van. The man came over and said, "Mam, do you need this?" Momma - I hate to tell you this, but you know you will NEVER live this down!!!!

* Our last night there, we ate at Texas Roadhouse (melt in your mouth steaks). There was a table that sat behind us. Parker was throwing a fit to get out of his highchair (this is completely normal, I assure you). I got him out and held him. The ladies in the booth behind us had Parker suprises most of their dinner. He kept getting ahold of their booth and pulling himself over right into their faces. They seemed to enjoy him.

* We ate at IHOP on our way out of town Tuesday. This isn't terrible funny, but sweet. An older lady was sitting at the table next to us. She struck up a conversation as soon as we sat down. She asked us where we were from and we told her, "Arkansas" She said, "Is it all mountains down there?" "Sure is pretty". We talked about our state. Then, about why we were in St L. She pulled out a little journal and asked us our names. We told her (first names only). She said she was writting them down so she could remember to pray for us. Especially Logen. Angel's come in unexpected places, don't they?

* This was from the first time we went to St Louis, I think I was about 13. I should be embarressed. But, I am not. I laugh...
~ We had been in St Louis for about 2 days. At the time I lived in Central Arkansas, a good 10 hours from St L. I asked my Mom and Dave- "Why are there so many Missouri license plates in Arkansas?" Their reply-- "There's our 4.0 student.

I know there were several, that I thought- I must remember to blog about. I maybe editting this later.

Oh, we ate White Castle for the first time on this trip. Wasn't bad, a bit greasy.
Sorry, I haven't updated on Logen's appt. Haven't felt like it, honestly. I'll get there. Until then, bear with me.

Prayer Requests

Hi Blog Family~
I have a few prayer requests.

* Logen's OT's father went to be with Jesus yesterday.
* One of my friends (Danielle) lost her Grandma yesterday. http://themaytrio.blogspot.com
* Logen - as we still don't really know what he "has". More to come on our St Louis Trip later
* Me - I hate to ask for something for myself right now. I still don't know what to do. I've been bleeding alot. More than a period.

Thank you all!

This Really Bites!

We are in the car, heading to St Louis. I get a phone call from our hotel- they've had a water line explode and are in the process of evacuating it. So, the dude is suppose to be booking us another hotel for the same rate. Luckily, I have an air card and get on the net while we are driving. I am able to pull up the hotel they would like to put us in- it looks pretty neat. They have an indoor playground and indoor pool- which conveniantly will be closed the 14th through the 21st. Atleast, we can swim tonight. Never mind-- every adult forgot their suit, so the pool being closed doesn't matter! Packed the boys suits. To bad they can't be tossed in the pool and swim :) Oh, this is going to be a trip!

Send some sanity vibes my way. I'm going to need them.

St Louis

We are heading back to St Louis tomorrow. Wish us luck! And, SOLID answers!

Hugs~

Many Faces Of Parker

Family Pictures

I can't decide which one I like best! Would you help???? Please comment with 1, 2, or 3! Thanks Blog family!

Boys

First Steps

My BEAUTIFUL Boy

We had some family pictures taken Saturday. Matt (the photographer) also got some AWESOME ones of Logen. We've always had a difficult time getting good "Logen" shots.

The News

Ok, Here goes... bear with me. I'm going to end up crying so this maybe rather choppy.

I went to the OB yesterday. I told him that my cervix feels open. He said, "do you mind if I check you?" Um, obviously not. I was only checked every week during the last half of my pregnancy. I'm kinda used to it. So, he checks me. Then, we talk.

He said he could fit about 1 fingertip in my cervix. And, that is abnormal. (Is ANYTHING in my life 'normal'???) The reason I am having pain with intercourse (and girly things) is because my cervix is open, allowing my bodies normal bacteria to get into my uterus. It causes it to become inflammed and poses a very high risk of infection. Normally, a females cervix is closed and would keep all the normal girly part bacteria in her girly parts. My cervix sucks! He gave me an antibiotic to see if that would take care of the inflammation. He said it could last a week to a few months, maybe even a year. You just never know. If the pain continues, I need to call him and come back in.

As for more babies, he said if we want a 3rd child we need to work on that now. I've had two rough pregnancies thus far. He said the 3rd wouldn't be any better. He said he couldn't guarentee that I would beable to carry a pregnancy. But, they would do everything in their power to help me if that's the option we chose. We would do a cerclage at 12 weeks and I would more than likely be on bedrest. I did very well getting to 34 weeks with Parker, esp since I started going into labor at 27 weeks. Having another preemie is a no brainer, the baby wouldn't make it to term inside me. Obviously, he said he couldn't tell me to " try to have a baby or just give up" b/c that was Adam and I's decision. He just wants to make sure that we are well informed before we make any decisions.

We've thought about if we do try for another one. Is it fair to the baby that we risk its life? What if the baby is born very early, spends months in the NICU, and comes out with multiple problems, or doesn't make it home at all?! What then?! This is when I wish the man upstairs would hand me a note pad with all of the decisions made for me. I'd have proof of what I am suppose to do. This is alot for anybody to handle. I'm young--- why should any body in their 20's be faced with decisions such as this. Heck, why should anybody be told that their chances of having more children is limited or not possible. There are people out there popping out kids left and right that they can't take care of and/or don't even want them! What about those of us who having loving homes and would welcome as many children as possible into them??!!! Chrystie.... I can hear you saying, "Amen" to that! Getting off my soap box..... I'm pretty sure this is not the end of that rant.

After we make the 'to have a baby or not' decision, a hysterectomy is pretty necessary. With my cervix not closing, infections are possible- and I'm at a high risk. They only way to fix that is to get rid of the uterus, etc. This would also alieviate the pain during intercourse, etc.

So, here's the MAJOR decisions I have to make soon- Try to have another baby or not? Schedule a hysterectomy.

There are a million and 1 things running through my head (as you can imagine). I can hardly see straight from tears. Say a prayer, blog family, say a prayer.

Sucky News

Hey Blog Family... I got some 'not so great' news at my Dr's appt this afternoon. I'll blog about it eventually- I don't think it has really set in yet. Would you say a little prayer for me? Thanks!!

Birthday Dinner

One of Adam & I's friends turned (cough) 26 (cough) Sunday. We had a nice dinner Saturday night and then drinks at our house afterwards. It was nice going out w/o children! Thats rarely happens!

Logen, Hannah, & Bella

My lil sis got a puppy for Christmas! Bella is a very cute pup! The boys loved her!

Starting Pre School Round 2!

Hey Blog Family!

Do you remember last time I said, Logen's going to school?! Yea, that didn't work out to well! Well, tomorrow we are trying again! Our school district has FINALLY opened a pre-k with ALL certified teachers! And teaching assistants in each room. The max is 20 kids per room and each room has children ages 3 to 5. Orientation was Friday night and I felt very good about it. His teachers were great. One of them even worked for the Sunshine School (a school for disabled children). There is onsite therapy (we won't be using them b/c we get private), but it makes me feel better that IF something arises, the therapists there are avaliable. They will also have a special ed class, IF Logen needs that. It's set up like a 'mini' school, so he wouldn't go in there all the time- if he goes at all. I'll let you all know how it goes on his very first day. Say a huge prayer for us in the AM! I am so not going to sleep tonight!

A NEW Diagnosis!

Logen has a....

Cerebral Piratey

Diagnosis

One of the ladies on our CP board said her they are using the term Cerebral Princessy for their daughter (her youngest daughter actually came up with the name). Another one of the ladies came up with "piratey" for a boy. So, there you have it. We've re-diagnosed Logen!

More Me Stuff

I've gotten a few emails asking how I am feeling since the wreck... so here's that update.

I'm still in PT. Went yesterday, left feeling WAY worse than when I went in. PT said I probably worked to hard. Ya, think?! I have a follow-up with the Neurosurgen on Monday (1/7). My lower back is still spasming. My neck and shoulders still feel pretty crappy to. It's gotten a *little* better since Novemeber. I'm sooo looking forward to pain free days! I'll update after Monday's appt!

All About Me!

Hi. I've been debating on whether or not I want to blog about this. I think i've decided it might be good for me to 'vent' to whoever reads our blog.
Warning before you read... This may be too much info for some. :)
Several months ago I blogged about the possiblity of having more children and how our chances were slim. I guess this is sort of a continuation of that.
Wednesday night I began cramping. I thought, "Gee, thats the last time I eat that many mashed potatoes. I've got bad gas pains!" So, I started eating Gas-X. I felt no relief. I woke up yesterday with pain so bad I wanted to cry. Again, I thought it was gas and began chowing down on more Gas-X. Last night right before bed, I went to the bathroom and had some clear jelly substance with bright blood swirled into it. (Told ya, you may not want to read!) This morning, I woke up with more of the same. It's been on and off all day, but enough to have to wear a 'girly thing'. I haven't been cramping as bad as yesterday, but I've still been pretty uncomfortable. When I called Adam this morning and told him, he said- "Baby, do you think you could be having a miscarriage?" I hadn't thought of that. My cervix stays at about 2cm open now. My body is not capable of holding a pregnancy (atleast I wouldn't think so). I think it's to soon to have another period. I've only been off my period for 2 weeks. (My first period since Parker was mid-Dec and only lasted about 4 days) I'm not on birth control (it was giving me major migraines), so pregancy is a possiblity. I called the OB Wed (before I even started having pain) and told the nurse I needed to be seen b/c my cervix is open. It feels like it's at about 2cm. At my 6 week check, Dr H (OB) said that I may need a complete hysterectomy to stop pain from intercourse, my uterus stays inflammed (long story, it's been hurting since post-Logen). He said when Parker was weaned, we could discuss our options further.
So, Tuesday (Jan 8th) I have an appt to see Dr H and we will discuss the last few days and the possiblity of removing all of my female parts. Adam & I both feel like we will not beable to have more children. It's just a 'gut' feeling we've both had for a few months. I know that we have 2 happy, healthy, beautiful boys. And, I am so thankful that the Lord has given me Logen & Parker. But... (you knew that was coming!) I can't help feeling like my body has failed me (and Adam). I'm praying we don't hear the words that it's not a good idea to try for 1 more on Tuesday. Deep down, I know there won't be a third. Unless somehow we can stitch my cervix up tight (cerclage is an option after you are about 12 weeks pg). But, my cervix is open w/o a pregnancy. Now, I am just rambling. Say a prayer that I make it through until Tuesday w/o going totally nuts over this. And, hopefully I really didn't m/c and it was just some funky stuff my body didn't want anymore. I have a way with words, 'eh? LOL