3 Years, Today

On January 31, 2005 Logen was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. I don't think I have ever cried that much in my life, ever. It's been 3 years and I still have those days when I want to crawl in a hole and scream. There are some AMAZING women in my life that have helped me deal with those days. They've helped me more than words can say. THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU ALL, dearly. And, so much more than I tell you. I wouldn't have made it this far, with most of my sanity intact without you. You all know exactly who you are. Thank you my sweet, wonderful, caring, beautiful friends. Thank you.

3 years ago we had an MRI scheduled at 8am. We stayed the night at my Aunt Lori's b/c she lives only a few minutes from Arkansas Children's Hospital. We woke up, got ready, and went to the hospital. We'd been to radiology before. Logen had had a swallow study the month before- that's when we first found out he was aspirating on thin liquids. We were called back and given all of the details that entailed having an MRI w/sedation. Logen was given chloral hydrate through the rectum. He was put into the MRI machine. He looked so peaceful. So beautiful. And, I was scared to death. We stood infront of the machine watching the scan countdown. About half way through it, he started moving. I freaked. I was yelling. Nobody was coming in to save Logen. I remember not being able to turn the door knob to get out of the room. Finally, (it seemed like forever) a lady came in. They were going to call the Dr to see if it would be ok to give Logen some more CH to finish the scan. It was, and we strapped him back down and slid him back into the machine. Once it was over, I held him in my arms. I nursed him (b/c we didn't have any thickener, and I knew he wouldn't take anything but Momma's milk anyway). Were given the "ok" to leave. In a few hours we had an appt with the Neuro up stairs. We went to lunch at a mexican resturant. We went back to the hospital and followed the signs to Neurology. We were taken into a room and a very sweet nurse brought Logen a blue bird, TY beanie baby. (We still have that, for memories I guess) The Neuro came in and we talked. There was no mention of CP. When she stood to leave she asked if we had any other questions. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "Does he have CP?" Her EXACT words (I will never forget them) were "You could say that?" I said, "Do we have a dx" "Yes, you could say that." She walked out. I sat there feeling like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. I couldn't cry at that moment. We walked down to the car and headed on our 4 hour journey home. That was the LONGEST car ride of my life.

My Mom was calling, I think my phone rang like crazy with people calling to see how it went. The only person I remember talking to was my Mom. I think she just listened to me cry actually. Adam was driving, and he just kept saying "it's going to be fine. Logen is still Logen and we love him the same." Yes, I know that. I will NEVER love Logen any less b/c of what he can or can't do, because of what he 'has' or doesn't. My love for Logen only grows. The emptiness in my heart has healed, slightly. But, it will always ache for Logen. Not for me. It's not about me. It's hard for ME, yes- but, imagine what Logen goes through. He can't express what he feels.

Through the last 3 years Logen has learned to crawl, walk, jump, nearly run, sign, he's moved from honey to nectar thick- and almost off all thickners, his drooling has stopped and come back again, he's attempting to potty train, he's going to preschool, he was given a little brother (that drives him crazy, but loves him like mad to!), gotten a communication device, moved from ankle support AFO's to just polly wogs, sleeps in his own room, in his own bed- alone!, has the biggest smile that can melt your heart in 0 seconds, and loves everybody he comes in contact with. He's done so more than than I can list in 3 years-

Logen- Mommy loves you. Everything you do is amazing, you are one true miracle. Every time you smile, you melt my heart. You are a blessing in life, you are my life. Without you, I'd be lost. You have taught your Mommy so much in the last 4 years. You've taught me what 'real' love is. And, how to be truely thankful. You will always be my baby, even when you're 50- so just expect that. I'll still be calling you 'my baby', forever. I love you- to the moon, around the world, and all the way back. Thank you for making me smile.