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A sincere THANK YOU to all of you who have added this to your blog! And, to Anelys for creating such a cute blinkie!!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Here It Is

I have issues. MAJOR issues. I know about 90% of the people that read this, will not understand where I am coming from. And, over the years- I've accepted that fact.

I developed an eating disorder when I was 13. My Mom had recently remarried and I felt like I lost all control of her, and me. My Mom had been a single mom from birth to that point. A friend made me realize I still hold onto this behavior b/c it's about the only thing in my life that I can control. (I do NOT participate in the actual binging and purging, but the thoughts are torture enough)

So, what's going on today that made me admit this? I feel like a lard. Like an ugly chick with penguin legs. I look in the mirror and pick apart EVERY single part of my body. I hate the person starring back at me. It makes me ill. I started working out a few weeks ago, not to get healthier- but b/c it's something I can control. And, I go over board with it. 5 and 6 miles at a time. I do crunches for an hour. I hate this. I would love to beable to go back to the inncocent and pure thinking I had before I started this so long ago. I will always think I'm fat. ALWAYS will. I will always think I am the ugliest person ever. And, I hate that. I want to be happy with myself. I know they say you have to love yourself to beable to love others- but I don't think thats true. B/c I love my children, more than anything. But, I know for a fact that I don't love myself.
Thanks for listening to my pathetic self. I'm sure there will be more of these 'honesty' posts. I used to journal about it, but have stopped. I will probably be using my blog to journal this now. Maybe, I don't know how honest I really want to be.

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  1. If I have to tell you ten times a day. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! You know I am here for you girl.

  2. Oh girl. We all have our cross to bare. I will pray for you and I must confess....I have struggled with this that manifests differently. And your absolutely correct, so many people truly do not understand the hold this has on people. Big hugs and thanks for being tranparent. I'm convinced when truth is shed to light...more people pray. Huge hugs,

  3. I'm part of the people who understand and stuggle along with you...and I have loved becoming your friend. If only we lived closer, we would be best of friends...and our kiddos would be friends too!

  4. Big hugs Jess. Thanks for sharing and know that you have touched so many lives through your work on BBC. I think that you are beautiful inside and out and I am here for you. Your honesty and willingness to share inspires me.


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