Here It Is

I have issues. MAJOR issues. I know about 90% of the people that read this, will not understand where I am coming from. And, over the years- I've accepted that fact.

I developed an eating disorder when I was 13. My Mom had recently remarried and I felt like I lost all control of her, and me. My Mom had been a single mom from birth to that point. A friend made me realize I still hold onto this behavior b/c it's about the only thing in my life that I can control. (I do NOT participate in the actual binging and purging, but the thoughts are torture enough)

So, what's going on today that made me admit this? I feel like a lard. Like an ugly chick with penguin legs. I look in the mirror and pick apart EVERY single part of my body. I hate the person starring back at me. It makes me ill. I started working out a few weeks ago, not to get healthier- but b/c it's something I can control. And, I go over board with it. 5 and 6 miles at a time. I do crunches for an hour. I hate this. I would love to beable to go back to the inncocent and pure thinking I had before I started this so long ago. I will always think I'm fat. ALWAYS will. I will always think I am the ugliest person ever. And, I hate that. I want to be happy with myself. I know they say you have to love yourself to beable to love others- but I don't think thats true. B/c I love my children, more than anything. But, I know for a fact that I don't love myself.
Thanks for listening to my pathetic self. I'm sure there will be more of these 'honesty' posts. I used to journal about it, but have stopped. I will probably be using my blog to journal this now. Maybe, I don't know how honest I really want to be.