Splendid Mayhem: Control Freak

Welcome To Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Control Freak

I said it. I admitted it. When it comes to me having total control over EVERYTHING, I freak out. There are several instances in my life that prove this. A few I haven't quite decided if I want to blog about yet. My high anxiety levels come from the fact that I cannot be in complete control of my life and of everything in it (take what my baby boy can and cannot do). And, honestly- it scares the crap out of me. I know that I should put my faith in Jesus and let him take control. I KNOW THIS! Why I have not been able to do it, I don't know. I just can't let go. The 'things' I mentioned above (that I can't decide whether to blog or not) are the only things I have been able to control. And, that also scares me. Because it's not a good kind of control to have. This I also know. I seem to know alot; many of you are probably saying, "then do something about it since you know so much". I'm rambling now. I guess I ask for a prayer from you- And, a virtual hug or 2 :)